All This Time: A Resurgence of Love
by Katherine75
Summary: Anna never stopped loving John Bates after he disappeared 3 years ago. Under the encouragement of friends, she found a new way of life, met someone, and was lingering toward a wedding day- when fate established itself dramatically. This is my first AU. But after season 4, I desperately wanted one! I hope you enjoy- plenty of drama, romance, plot twists and hopefully a few giggles.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm getting the feeling you might not understand the gravity of the situation Thomas, I'm getting married _next week. _The caterer can't be dead. Who dies a week before my wedding?" Anna's cell phone could be heard ringing somewhere buried in her purse - she ignored it, "and how on earth are you going to feed everyone?"

Poor scrupulous, filled with peril Thomas - the untimely deceased caterer's assistant stared back at Anna exhausted. This was the seventh time he had to endure this conversation with a bride today. "Don't worry Anna, I promise to figure something out. How many guests are you planning for?"

Anna paused unable to remember and looked to Gwen for an answer. Its not a good sign however when your maid of honor is sitting on top the cake counter surrounded by empty cake plates. But with a mouthful of icing, Gwen managed a reply, "three-hundred twenty nine?"

"Three-hundred twenty nine guests Thomas, that's a lot of food." She looked back at Gwen, motioning to wipe icing from her chin, "you have a little…" Her voice-mail chimed a message alert but Anna continued interrogating Thomas. "We were supposed to have crab flown in from somewhere…Gwen, where did Andrew want the crab flown in from?"

Steadfast and unchanged by her cake distraction, Gwen raised her eyebrows and mumbled as politely as possible while chewing, "Australia?"

"My fiancé has an affinity for Australian crab apparently." Her phone chirped out a text message alert, Anna ignored it, "I don't mean to sound insensitive, I'm terribly sorry your boss died Thomas…" The ringing of her cell phone interrupted them once more as she made an agitated growl in her throat.

Finally digging through the contents of her large purse to find the phone, she realized Andrew was calling again. Instead of answering, Anna carelessly threw the phone to Gwen who risked breaking a display of delicate china cake plates stacked four feet high on a nearby table to catch it. Acrobatically falling backward- her hand death gripping a fork - pieces of white cake and cream frosting spattered the room as she captured the airborne mobile in a moment of physical grace. "Hello Andrew…its Gwen…Yeah, she's a little busy at the moment…what?!...How can that…oh god, that's terrible...of course I will tell her."

Gwen finished the call on Anna's cell phone to the sound of never ending chatter about hors d' oeuvres and crab legs. "That was Andrew," she chimed in, only to be ignored.

Anna lulled dramatically, "and if we're supposed to find another caterer in one week, well, I suppose we'll have to sue you."

Gwen threw another piece of bad news at Anna, "he said your photographer crashed his motorcycle..."

Anna seemed unfazed, "and I don't have time to sue you, in fact, I don't even know how we're going to manage time for our honeymoon. I had to reschedule an entire book release around…"

"He broke both of his arms and can't shoot your wedding." And there it was. That last statement - a verbal slap across Anna's face and she finally went silent.

"Your photographer Anna…."

"He's dead?"

"No! Don't be silly. Well…I mean, that's not silly. Obviously people die…I mean _He _didn't." Thomas shot Gwen an icy look. "Right. Do you have more cake Thomas? This is delightful…and delicious! It's both," she tried to be overly cheerful now.

Anna and Thomas stared at Gwen expressionless; she decided her best plan of action was to retreat. "I'm going to go and sit in my car now." Gwen exited the store backwards through a revolving glass door, cake plate in hand, mouth full of cake, waving with her fork.

Returning his attention to Anna, "You're not having a good week are you?" Thomas asked, seeming sympathetic but nearly smiled with the building drama of irony.

Anna slumped heavily against the wall, "this is a bad sign Thomas…"

"That's what I was thinking," swallowing his smile appropriately.

"Really?!"

"Don't sound so shocked Anna. Who loses a caterer _and_ a photographer the week before their wedding? Think about it, people ask for signs all the time…fate intervenes, maybe you're not paying attention to something."

"But you've _met _Andrew and he's wonderful, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is…not to mention he's also buff, beautiful and day dreamy. But is he perfect for _you_? I hate to discredit any social media updates you may have posted, but I'm thinking he just might be more perfect for say…someone like me?" Thomas quips with a wink.

Anna's stress dampened at his playfulness and she began to allow a smile. "Thomas, you're not helping, please just focus on how to feed our guests!"

Slowly placing his pen down Thomas walked around the counter and pulled Anna into his arms. "Of course I will love, but if you're still planning to get married next week, tell that maid of honor of yours to stop eating so much cake - she'll never fit into her dress at this rate."

Anna smiled widely and returned Thomas' hug with appreciation, "thank you."

Thomas pulled back to look her square in the face, "for what love?"

"For being alive. For not riding motorcycles. For making me laugh."

* * *

As Gwen drove toward Anna's house, it began to rain. With one disaster following another Anna felt the panic creeping over her and needed to confide in someone, "Gwen, do you think?…never mind, I'm being silly."

"Oh no, don't you dare do that to me, what were you going to say?"

"It's nothing. I'm just being overly crazy. That's what brides-to-be do, they start thinking and acting crazy right before their wedding, right?

"You're the_ least_ craziest person I know Anna. Even with all the snags altering your plans right now, you're completely sane. I mean, look at _me! _ It's your wedding and _I'm _the one stress eating. Did you see how much cake I ate back there?"

"I didn't take notice." She lied. "Okay, you ate four pieces."

"I know!... Four pieces really?

"Yes Gwen, you ate four pieces of cake."

"In my defense however, that was the most amazing cake I've ever tasted."

"They were four completely different types of cake Gwen."

"Oh god, I know! I'm a nervous wreck and I can't stop eating. I stuffed a couple of pieces into the glove box if you'd like some…."

Anna dismissed her cake offer laughing, "what are you nervous about?"

"You have the most amazing friends and colleagues Anna. I don't fit in with any of them. They rival every talented or successful person I know."

"Who cares? You're ridiculously fun to be around, everyone will love you. Just be yourself at the wedding."

"I can't. I'll be too nervous and I won't know what to say." She stated plainly and seriously.

"You'll be fine."

"No. I won't. I'll end up rambling about something stupid like whether or not I should study puppetry or I'll wonder aloud about my ancestors grandparents' grandparents and their procreative need to cultivate humor and how I literally have it in my DNA to throw sarcastic zingers into a conversation at the expense of everyone around me and then, regretting everything I've said all night, I'll take a verbal survey of the room to make sure no one was offended by my attempt to add side-splitting humor into every conversation.

Anna squints her eyes at Gwen puzzled. "Okay... maybe you won't be fine; perhaps you should just stick to eating cake."

The girls erupt together in loud laughter, but eventually, as the car grows quiet again Gwen tries once more to coax Anna, "what were you going to say before?"

But Anna only stares out the window in silence.

"You'd better speak now because its about to become 'forever hold your peace', you realize that don't you?'

Anna released a heavy, unwillingly sigh before starting. "Thomas said something back at the shop…he said perhaps the caterer and photographer catastrophe are signs that I shouldn't marry Andrew."

"It is kind of odd Anna."

"So you agree with him then?"

"I agree with whatever you want. All that matters is the answer to one question: Do you want to marry Andrew?"

Anna answers without giving the question any thought. "Of course. Everyone wants to marry him, even Thomas."

"That's not what I asked you Anna…but I think I can guess what this is really about."

Subconsciously, Anna clenched her teeth, dreading where her friend was about to lead the conversation. "You're thinking of _him…_and that's completely normal you know."

"Is it? I'm marrying someone else, and yet can't stop thinking about…I mean, Andrew is wonderful. He's thoughtful. He's considerate. He's my best friend. We never fight. Not ever."

"That's not normal. Wait, I thought I was your best friend.

"You're being silly, you know what I mean. Andrew is wonderful."

"You keep saying that."

"Well, he is," she snaps quickly.

"Then that's that."

"Yes. That_ is _that."

The atmosphere in the car grew thick with silence. Anna knew the one thing that needed to be done, and she didn't need anyone else to encourage it. She was bridging the point of no return and it was time to release her past. Her mind abandoned the moment as rain washed away remnants of bird droppings from her window. A lingering sadness came over her, nostalgia about packing her house felt more like packing away her life completely.

No longer convinced she was ready to cut ties with her house, Anna shook her head, attempting to rattle those doubts from her mind. She chartered a new course of life in that house, discovered a new kind of laughter, and pulled herself from the edge of agony - _without him_. Couldn't she continue creating a new life with Andrew? It was after all, instinctual wasn't it? She had found a way to survive after John disappeared.

The rain continued draining over the car and Anna held her breath like she was under water.

* * *

Once home and alone, Anna made her way into the attic. Climbing a ladder, she stared at the large paper box sitting high atop a shelf. What remained hidden away in there included all her hope, pieces of her heart, and lingering questions. After his sudden disappearance, Anna spent months searching for him. Exhausting her savings, selling most of her possessions, going deeply into debt - but there was never any resolution to what happened to John Bates nor his friend Robert Crawly.

She stared reverently at the box as if it were the Holy Grail itself. It was time to decide what to do with it. As she tugged the heavy box into her arms, it slipped from her grip and fell eight feet to the floor bursting open. Gasping devastated, Anna hurried down the ladder to rescue strewn photos, small notes and other keepsakes from their years together at Downton. She paused, her eyes quickly discovering a favorite photo of him, wearing a football jersey, his hair disheveled, smiling that tender smile only ever offered to her.

Nearly an hour later, Anna sat nearly glued to the floor, surrounded by memories of John Bates. He was her first love. What had ever gone wrong with him? Some suggested he simply abandoned her - she would never even consider that a possibility - she finally resolved there might never be answers. Her phone rang, reluctantly reeling her out of the past.

"Hello?" She answered unaware, still looking at a photo of John.

"Hello Darling."

Anna startled to hear her future husband's voice, "Andrew."

"Are you all right Anna?"

"I'm in the middle of…packing."

"Never quite finished are you?"

"You know me…a stickler for order and tidiness."

"Well, I won't keep you. I'm just calling to make sure you're not still upset about the caterer and photographer. Are you? You know we'll manage."

"I know. I just…want everything to feel perfect."

"It will be. Nothing else."

"You're right Andrew, nothing else…" Her eye caught sight of another photo that had fallen to the floor and she picked it up. Another favorite memory of John leaning against a doorframe, dressed in a luxurious black suit. Very regal. Handsome. Dark. Tall...Those eyes."

"Anna? Do you?"

She hadn't been listening. "What? "

"Anna darling, you're so distracted. Maybe you need to take an emotional health day, you know – get a massage or drive into the country. I know you're stressed about everything. Your job, the time off, the move, the wedding. But I need to hear you say you love me. Do you?"

Anna still held John's photo in her hand. Turning it over, so as not to allow him to hear her response, she assured him, "Of course I do, Andrew. Always."

"Well then, I do hope I will actually hear you say the words someday soon, perhaps on our wedding day?"

"I'm sorry, Andrew. You know my family wasn't very affectionate, I will try."

"I'm just teasing you love, I know how you feel after all. I should get going - there is a lot for me to still pack. Call you in the morning."

"In the morning then. Good night."

Anna felt a twist of guilt in her stomach. _I know how you feel…_there were many layers to how she felt. And despite her best efforts, she never really stopped loving John. But she knew life was moving on without her, and Andrew was there and John never would be again. Now was the time to put her past with John to rest.

Her past. Her past _was_ John, where she had met him at Downton while working her way through University as a tour and history guide. John, recently discharged from the military, worked in the wine cellar as a buyer. It was a slow growing romance, first friends, and then one day admitting love for one another.

Before graduation Anna accepted an opportunity at a publishing house in London and John left for a six -month contract to learn management at a winery in Italy. Her new position not allowing for any time off, they settled momentarily for a long distance relationship. At first emailing, sometimes several times a day, and when they could match their schedules, they would Skype with one another. Nearing the end of his six months, John's friend from the army, Robert Crawly, convinced John to go on one more adventure with him before moving back to London. Back to Anna.

John had always wanted his own winery, so his trip with Robert included scouting opportunities to buy into the business himself. His mother had died during their tenure at Downton and John had been waiting for the right opportunity to invest his inheritance.

John and Robert set off for a motorcycle tour through the Americas, in September - three years ago. And for reasons unknown, Anna never heard from John again.

Anna packed up the box and wrapped it tightly closed with several layers of tape. She decided she wasn't ready to simply throw the box, and its contents away - but it was best not to open it ever again.

* * *

The next morning Gwen called before dawn.

"What is it?" Anna sleepily answered.

"Anna. Wake up. I have good news."

"What?…What time is it?"

"I have good news, what does it matter what time it is?"

"Does your news include you bringing me coffee in bed?"

"Did you intend to sound sexy and alluring when you said that?

"God no. Did I?"

"Not really. I'm just lonely I guess." She began a long loud giggle.

"And I'm still sleeping. In the name of everything sacred about our friendship will you please tell me why you're calling so early?"

"I found a new photography company for you. They come highly recommended, and have a photographer available for your wedding day."

"Really? How did you manage that in the middle of the night?"

"I ran into someone last evening at the pub who insisted this photographer is amazing. He's a fresh face, and already in demand but most impressive? He's available next week."

"I'd like to meet him first."

"I knew you would, so I scheduled a meeting with him this morning. Your luck is turning around Anna, he's doing a photo shoot at a park nearby and he's expecting us. Get ready. I'll pick you up in 30 minutes."

"Bring coffee Gwen, or I swear…"

"You swear what dear?"

"That's it. I'll swear at you. In public. It will be humiliating."

Gwen rolled her eyes laughing,"god Anna, you're practically the devil herself."

* * *

It was Saturday morning and raining lightly but the sun threatened to appear at any moment. Gwen and Anna sat snuggly in Gwen's little blue car, Anna leaning her knees against the dashboard, sipping her latte and waiting nearly an hour for the photographer to arrive. During the long wait, she wasn't bored, just relaxed for the first time in weeks. That shift happened overnight. The same car, same attentive friend as yesterday, same chill of rain in the air - nothing had changed but her determination. She was going to dig her heals in and make this new life with Andrew work. John Bates was her past; it was time to silence the echoes.

Not long after they arrived, a black vintage Mercedes pulled in several spaces away from them and parked. A tall man wearing sunglasses, a wool cap and black jacket emerged from the car. He had a brown scarf wrapped lazily around his collar. Looking up into the sky for a moment, he paused before opening the storage boot to pull several cases out.

"Look over there Anna," Gwen pointed, "that must be him…nice car."

Taking another sip of her coffee, Anna squinted through the glass at the photographer. She watched him sling the case over his shoulder with ease then walk away with his back to them. She noticed however that he walked with a slight limp.

Gwen noticed too, "Is he limping?"

"Appears to be."

"Well, hopefully it isn't some major injury that will prevent him from working your wedding. God! That would be your luck."

Anna smirked slightly at Gwen's remark and intently watched him walk down a path. There was something familiar about him. She sipped her coffee. Gwen's phone rang.

After looking at her screen Gwen frantically reacted. "Oh Bollocks! It's the dress boutique. I completely forgot I have a fitting scheduled this morning!"

"Well, you'd better answer it, they're probably livid."

"Yes, hello I'm sorry I know I have a fitting this morning and I completely forgot about it and now I'm really late and you probably hate me... but I can be there in fifteen minutes... I know...I know I insisted the appointment be at 7am and then I didn't even bother to show up...

Anna giggled listening to her friend ramble on. She adored her quirkiness, but realized many other people did not. Watching the photographer set up a tripod, the sun debuted through the clouds and Anna wondered for a moment what perfect light might be. Gwen ended her phone conversation with a huff.

"Anna, I'm sorry, I have to go. They need to let my dress out a little."

"Those naughty dress makers, they can never get it right on the first cut can they?"

"I know that tone. Is that sass?"

"Of course not." Anna giggled. "Now you'd best be going, you don't want to keep those proper dress ladies waiting any longer."

"I'll be back to collect you as soon as I can. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry! The day is young, the morning beautiful, and I'm sure this photographer won't mind me watching him work after we talk - it will be good to get a feel for his working style…now go!"

"See? You're not a crazy bride-to-be at all. You are so together, and I'm the one forgetting everything….by the way, I promise not to eat another bite of food until after the wedding."

"Someone needs to give those dress ladies something to fret about." Anna jumped out of the car with her coffee in hand and waved, smiling as Gwen sped away.

The morning air was chilly but Anna felt the sun blanket her with warmth. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deep cleansing breaths, allowing a soft ray of light to warm her face. It had been a long exhausting night of reminiscing, but in the light of day Anna felt renewed by the hopeful aroma of spring permeating the air. Perhaps Andrew was right; maybe all she needed was a day away. Smiling to herself, she felt reassured.

Walking down the path and toward the photographer, Anna watched him taking photos. Pausing and pulling the camera from the tripod, she smiled at him while he removed his sunglasses, scarf and hat to get more comfortable behind the camera. And then, something unimaginable was happening. The reassurance abandoned her body.


	2. Chapter 2

Anna's ability to take another step suspended as though her feet were set in the very concrete she lightly strolled upon mere seconds ago. Her vision meticulously fixed on him, the color draining from her face.

She wasn't sure.

He hadn't seen her. Her breath gripped tightly in her throat, her ribs grew taught and her head dizzy with doubt.

What if this was real? How could it be? Why would it be?

She wanted it to be him. Needed it.

Her head pounding with a heavy pulse of blood as her body screamed for her to inhale. She became lightheaded and nearing shock, dropped her coffee. It hit the ground splashing her pants. She never blinked.

The jolt to her system plateaued leaving her motionless, burdened, and Anna felt the moment reduce to nothing, and everything.

It was him.

Someone ran toward her, a caring stranger. She was beautiful with long hair embellished by the glow of sunlight. Her concern gave Anna the false sense that everything was about to be okay.

She was speaking to her but Anna labored to hear, "M'am? Are you all right?"

He turned now, focused on the commotion. Realizing his assistant had arrived and was offering help to someone, he started walking back up the path towards her.

Anna, breathing again, but nearly gasping, finally heard the woman's words. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Willing her senses to perform, Anna finally responded. "I'm sorry… I'm okay… I'm fine. I just…my coffee was hot. I dropped it." She was lying and trying to move away from the jarring moment. She couldn't.

He was still walking toward them, his head down and focused on the path as he moved with a peculiar certainty.

A barrage of questions steamrolled through her mind, _why was he limping, he was alive - why hadn't he tried to contact her? _

The kind woman instinctively reached for Anna's hands. "Did you burn yourself?"

She couldn't answer. There he was - resiliently closing the three-year gap between them. Anna couldn't release her penetrating glare, boring hard, searching for some type of justification in his movements.

He called out to the woman helping Anna. "Charlie? Everything all right?" Anna turned to look around, confused, "who is Charlie?"

The gentle woman smiled at Anna. "That's me. My name is Charlene, but everyone calls me Charlie," she said smiling while inspecting Anna's hands, "are you sure you're okay?"

When he finally reached them, he looked up - his eyes meeting Anna's for the first time. Even the most seasoned pain in her heart could not prepare her for this moment.

He pulled back slightly as she watched his face begin to comprehend, his brow furrow. He moved his mouth as if to speak but hesitated. He looked at her pants covered in coffee. His eyes empathized over the anguish on her face.

They stood silent for an eternal moment, neither certain of anything to say.

His face suddenly brightened, giving her the sense he was happy to see her.

But then he spoke.

"Hello. You must be Gwen. I'm John Bates," and offered his hand to Anna along with his oh-so polite but inexplicable introduction of himself.

As his lips began spanning into a small smile, a wave of unfathomable emotion erupted within her. Her shoulders slumping, Anna's eyes left his quickly.

Ignoring his hand, she wearily shook her head, clearly disturbed, his words incomprehensible to her. Her stomach clenching, she blinked back the imminent bite of tears as she noticeably stumbled. Moving away from them, now officially shattered.

They could only watch as Anna hid her face from them, tears hastening down her cheeks without effort as she began to turn away. That which she did not yet understand, that surprised her, looked and felt different from any memory of John – tore her up inside and she could do nothing more than run from it.

Charlie turned to John, "well that was odd. I hope she's okay."

John continued to stare at Anna, running farther and farther away from him. "Yes...I hope so too."

* * *

Anna didn't stop running the entire five miles back to her cottage.

Once in her front yard, she retched violently behind a tree and collapsed to the ground disheartened, beyond confused, and nearly exhausted.

Once inside, Anna paced the house, her heart pounding with palpitations. _Where was Gwen? _She had left her a barrage of messages. _How could this be happening?_ _Why didn't he know me?_

There was a knock on the door. Finally. Gwen had returned.

Anna, in tears, moved quickly to answer, already talking before the door was open, "Gwen, you'll never believe who the photographer is…"

It wasn't Gwen at the door.

She had forgotten how tall he was. Somehow her memory had eroded his commanding stature. Now dominating her doorway, towering her small frame she searched his richly engrained face. He pressed his lips together nervously while angling his head to peer into her eyes apologetically.

The words from everyone who cared came crashing over her, flooding the moment.

_Let him go Anna, _they said. _He's probably dead Anna, _they insisted. _You have to move on with your life Anna, _they encouraged. But there he stood, in her doorway.

There was an inherent sadness about John Bates now. She distinguished it easily from his gaze. Deeply rooted in his eyes she also caught site of guilt.

"Hello Anna."

The sound of her name spoken with such familiarity moved through her gracefully, soothing her soul with a gentle peace she had long forgotten.

He shifted his weight to one leg and watched as a flash of confusion consumed her for the second time that day.

He did know her.

* * *

Gwen walked up the sidewalk and passed John as he left. Her mouth dropped open. "Hello Gwen. Its been a very long time."

In complete shock, she couldn't formulate a single word. John turned and looked back at Anna still standing in the doorway, "I'll wait for your call Anna, please…you know where I'll be."

John walked down the paved path rubbing at his jaw, got into his car and drove away.

Gwen looked up at Anna, her arms folded, her face distinctly antagonized.

"Oh my god…was that?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god."

"I know."

"Oh. My. God. "

"Stop saying that Gwen. Get in here."

"Wait a minute"... she looked back at the car as John drove away. "Was he? That's the same car as…" Gwen was starting to put it together. "Anna…what's going on?"

Anna turned quickly and Gwen followed her through the house. Sitting herself on the edge of a kitchen chair Gwen leaned into the table anxiously.

Anna distracted herself with making tea. She knew Gwen was eager to talk about John's sudden reappearance, but still felt rattled by the ongoing turn of events. She desperately needed a moment to organize her feelings.

Gwen's head was spinning. Wanting to know more, she couldn't help but talk. "He's the photographer I hired to shoot your wedding? I can't believe this!"

Anna was silently stirring a lump of sugar around in her tea, her back to Gwen.

"Where has he been all this time Anna? Did he offer any explanation?"

Anna poured Gwen a cup of tea, moving as though she didn't hear, lost in her own thoughts.

"How long has he been in London? Does he live here? Why hasn't he reached out to you before?"

Finally, Anna joined Gwen at the table, sitting and sipping her tea quietly.

"I guess I need to find you a new photographer."

Anna dropped her cup of tea to the table, spilling it. She looked briefly at her shaking hands, and then met Gwen's concerned eyes.

"I'm sorry Anna…are you okay? How did you even get back to the house?" She walked over to the counter to gather paper towels.

"I took an unintentionally long run."

"Why was John here Anna? What did he have to say for himself?" She mopped up the spill while Anna collapsed backward into her chair.

"Nothing really."

"Nothing really?"

"I don't remember actually. I don't… really know what he said. I didn't invite him in."

"Will you call him?"

"I don't know."

"Where will he be?"

"What?"

"He said, '_You know where I'll be'_. What does that mean?"

"Oh. He's at the Abbey today. He's doing a photo shoot there for an American magazine."

"What? How can you be so casual about this? Will you call him then?"

Anna was thoughtfully silent. She stood from the table and began pacing again. "Gwen, I'm just...I don't know what happened to him. I finally accepted that he was probably dead, now clearly he's not. This is...considerable. I need time to think."

"He's definitely alive, and he looked good. In fact, he looked _really _good."

Anna shot Gwen a discouraging look. "Oh come on Anna, you had to have noticed that much…what will you do?"

Anna paused; she stopped pacing, her mind contemplative, "he pretended not to know me this morning."

"What do you mean? At the park?"

"He was there...with a woman. He said she was his assistant."

Gwen sat quietly back in her chair. Anna turned to look at her; "he introduced himself to me in front of her, asking if I was you."

"What did you do?"

"I slapped him across the face."

"At the park?"

"No… Here, in my doorway."

"Oh Anna…was the woman Charlie?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"That's who I spoke to at the pub last night. Why on earth would he do that?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm so confused."

"Unless Anna..."

"They're together? I know. I considered that."

Gwen looked concerned. "Will you tell Andrew?"

Anna looked out the window, "I don't…No. He doesn't even know about John. I've tried not to mention him. Ever. Its not relevant."

"Not relevant? Do you hear yourself? John Bates. Not relevant? You're about to marry another man Anna and John Bates just happened to show up from the dead? How is that not relevant?"

Anna stared back at Gwen for a few long moments pondering. "I'm not going to rile up over this Gwen. I'm not going to fall apart. I'm not going to do anything except get answers. He's alive Gwen - I always hoped it was possible." She paused for a moment, gathering her resolve. "But now there's a new issue to determine. Because he's alive, then he chose not to contact me, and he lied about knowing me this morning. I deserve to know why."

"Yes Anna, you do."

"Once I have the truth I can move on and finally close the John Bates chapter of my life." She tried to sound confident, but failed miserably. She couldn't hide the lingering devastation in her voice.

Gwen blinked at Anna silently. She knew her friend was only saying this in a weak attempt to shroud her pain, "do you want me to…I don't know. I don't know what to do."

"There's nothing for you to do Gwen." She smiled slightly, " You found him. You found John Bates. That's plenty for one day. That's plenty for a lifetime."

* * *

That evening Anna was dangerously distracted during her drive to meet with John. Planning a conversation in her head, Anna rehearsed speaking matter-of-fact, coldly, methodically aiming for answers. She would brag to him her wedding plans; dismiss anything he said, then leave. She had to remind herself over and over that she was a woman who knew what she wanted, and knew how to get it.

She agreed to meet him at a friend's summer home, where no one could disrupt them. Nestled between a flower garden of pansies and poppies and a small grove of trees, a cozy grass-roofed cottage overlooked a green pasture where sheep contentedly grazed - or so she imagined it to be in the summer. It was early spring however, and raining, fog settled all around and the air was heavy - much like her mood.

Stopping the car, sliding it into park, she gathered her courage in one slow breath. But before she could check her appearance for the fifth time since leaving the house, John opened the red cottage door and walked onto the small covered porch to greet her. His face eager while wringing his hands together conveyed his nervousness.

She ducked her head to peer out at him through the car windshield. He gave a quick wave with his hand; she thought he swallowed back a smile.

Her heart, pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears, would not settle. How long had she deliberated over this moment? In her dreams… In her counseling…She would devise this reunion again and again – each time a different location, each time a more terrifying reason for his disappearance.

Anna looked away from his soft gaze, and pulling herself from the car forced her anger to peak. Taking a mental inventory of the many reasons for her sorrow, she made a final attempt to solidify her resolve and remain angry with him.

John waited on the porch retained in dread, swallowing fear, suffering - all while guarding the fragments of his devastated love for her.

She wanted to run. She wanted to run to him. She walked slowly.

John spoke first, squinting his eyes at her cautiously, trying to read her body language, "thank you for coming Anna."

His handsomeness was understated. Dressed in jeans and a black button down shirt - the sleeves rolled to his elbows, he appeared more thin, fit, and stronger than before. His face covered in dark stubble, he masterfully defined a relaxed marque of distinction.

She felt her stomach tighten below the belt of her dress, but slowly managed to draw air into her lungs. Walking up two steps, then across the porch and past John without looking him in the eyes she responded, "of course, why wouldn't I come?"

She sounded aloof – as was her practiced intention. John felt uneasy.

Her stomach dropped as she caught his masculine scent - a dark yet subtle musk infused with the essence of orange cognac. Nearly losing her footing as the intoxicating aroma influenced her stability for a moment.

John opened the cottage door, moving aside politely for her to enter before him. Stepping through the doorway Anna felt oddly delighted by the overstated decor. The singular sensory enchantment of the sitting room offered two large leather sofas, book-ending a massive glowing fire within the stone hearth. The aroma of warming cinnamon filled the air. Anna quickly recognized the designer's efforts for sophistication, elegance and style.

John closed the door slowly, composing his rush of emotion, he turned to her, "please sit Anna, I just made tea."

She averted his eyes once more, choosing instead to look around the room. He paused, feeling anxious, "excuse me for a moment."

Touching his forehead while turning toward the kitchen, John wiped away a layer of light perspiration. A slight twitch above his right eye stubbornly pulsated. He clenched his jaw and moved past Anna, brushing against her arm slightly. Wonderful memories ignited as he took in the scent of her rosemary shampoo.

John moved swiftly into the kitchen, now doubting his ability to share the truth with her.

Anna couldn't possibly sit, she paced the room - as was her usual response to anxiety- absentmindedly caressing the part of her arm where he had moments ago grazed over her.

The cottage felt as though it had been conceived for romance. Neutral colors with deep reds and blues subtly mixed throughout window trimmings, heavy throw pillows and large iconic pieces of art. The mantle covered in candles, a piano, soft light. John's friend had impeccable taste. His friend...she recognized photos around the room. Mary and Sybil. Cora. Edith. This had to be Robert Crawley's cottage she determined.

John returned to the sitting room, a tray in hand. Anna still lingering around photos allowed him to pause a moment and admire her quietly. Her face intricately soft and utterly feminine, John enjoyed the sight of her discreetly then pushed back his rising emotions, "Anna, please have tea."

She turned quickly and reached for a cup from his tray along with a slice of warm cinnamon bread. Forcing herself to appear relaxed, she ate the bread quickly and immediately felt sick- she hadn't been able to eat anything all day. She sipped the tea and smiled graciously at him nonetheless.

As he raised a cup to his mouth, Anna noticed he still wore a sterling silver cuff bracelet, an enduring symbol of her hold on his memory. She had gifted that to him during their last night together at Downton.

Anna felt the need to break the silence. "So? You're a photographer then, seeing the world through your camera?"

John was somehow taken by surprise with her casual question. Her manner was professional, businesslike. What had he expected from her after all? Did he prefer another slap across his face? God knows he deserved it.

He reminded himself she was getting married. Clearly, long over him and successfully moving on with her life. "Its...its going well, thank you. I've had a bit of luck with it."

Clearing her throat, attempting to swallow the awkwardness, she stood stoic before him, her voice cold. "How lovely for you. It must be nice living effortlessly and worry free behind a camera."

John anticipated Anna would be terse, but her tone still stung.

"What happened to your passion for wine?" She continued with easy questions.

John paused and looked at her with intention, "I still have all the same passions as before Anna.'

_How many nights I had longed to hear you say my name. _"Forgive me if I find that hard to believe." She continued quickly, "so tell me about Charlie, she's a lovely woman. Are you two an item?"

John raised his eyebrows surprised by her question. "Charlie is strictly professional, we…" He hesitated, "she works for me Anna, I'm not..._an item _with anyone." He wanted to be clear of that detail.

She felt relieved by his admission but quickly asked the next question, "will you tell me now - why the charade of not knowing me in front of her then?"

"Yes…about that…I was only protecting you."

"Protecting me? Quite the heartfelt gesture John. She seemed lovely and caring, why on earth would you need to – "

"I'm sorry…" he interrupted. "I can't fully explain that part right now. There are…other matters to discuss first."

Anna was clearly frustrated. "How often are you in London John? Can you explain that part now?"

"This is my first time back, in three years Anna."

"Well then, where do you live?"

"Right now I'm living near San Francisco."

"Really? I would have thought -well, it doesn't matter."

"You would have thought what Anna?" John took a step toward her.

"I've thought many things over the years John. None of which matter any longer." She sipped her tea again, turned away and walked toward one of the photos on the mantel. "So, it would appear from these photos that this is Robert Crawley's cottage?"

"It is."

"How is good old Robert these days?" Her voice continued to sound crisp, demanding.

John was silent while Anna continued with her back to him, "gosh, I had forgotten how beautiful his daughters are. Do you see them often?"

John, thoughtfully silent, took another step closer to her. He longed to reach out and touch her soft hair. He set his tea down on a side table and picked up one of the family photos instead. "No. I hardly ever see them now. In fact, this is the first time I'd been in touch with Cora since..."

Anna turned to look at John; he had stopped talking.

He carefully placed the photo down and met Anna's eyes glaring at him. He wanted to reach for her hand, but the strange somber energy between them prevented him. "Anna..." he spoke her name so tenderly; in such a whisper it made her resolve diminish rapidly.

She quickly looked away, moving across the room. He closed his eyes, disappointed, releasing the breath he had been holding. This was harder than he expected it would be. This. Being near her.

"I hope you're not here to cause any trouble John. I never told Andrew about you," she blurted out.

"Andrew? So, that's his name." He felt like someone had drop kicked him in the stomach. "So, you never told him about us then?"

"No. I mean, I never told him about finding a new photographer." She wanted him to feel irrelevant. He was anything but irrelevant. He consumed her every thought.

He silently followed her with his eyes as she moved about the room, touching photographs, picking up books and pretending to read the back covers.

"John? May I ask you a personal question?"

"You may ask me anything." He caught up to her, cornered near the baby grand piano, her back to him.

"I noticed you have a...limp. What happened to you?"

His face flushed. He leaned in closer to her, wanting more than ever to pull her into his arms. "Its a very long story."

"Isn't that why you asked me here? I would imagine you have many long stories I should know." She turned quickly, discovering his close proximity to her - he was standing near enough to feel the static energy pulsating from him. Her heart was pounding again.

"That's not the only reason I asked you here Anna." They searched one another's eyes. He desperately longed to feel her lips on his. The purposeful and orderly atmosphere she had been trying to create had finally given way.

John felt the emotions building and spoke quickly, "After you left the park, I thought I should just leave you alone."

"That's what you do best."

"No it isn't Anna."

"No?"

"No," he said. "I never intended to leave you."

"But you did."

"Yes...I did do that, but I didn't want to."

"But it happened nonetheless."

"I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry." His eyes were brimming now with emotion.

"Well, after three years, it's nothing to me now," she lied hideously.

"It's everything to me Anna. _You're_ everything to me. I was painfully reminded of that when I saw you today."

She blinked at him, her resolve completely faltering now.

"Don't." She demanded.

John was silent.

She swallowed hard. She wanted to be disappointed by what he had to say. She wanted to hate him. She loved him. She gave him all the grace she had. She _needed _to hate him. She loved him.

"I should be happy for you I suppose. I knew men would fall in love with you. I tried not to think about it, but I knew. You deserve to be happy Anna."

"Talk to me about where you have been all this time, not about how happy I should be."

His face grew pale. "I know. You deserved more from me. You deserved the truth much sooner. I just...I just started facing it all myself a few months ago." He wanted to punch something, anything, the wall, the piano.

He started to speak again but faltered behind his own emotion. "I don't know where to begin...tell me where to begin Anna."

"Tell me why you never returned John...start there." She choked back her own grief.

He reached for her hands, influenced by the sorrow in his eyes, her resolve defeated, she allowed him to hold her fingers gently in his while he spoke, rubbing her knuckles softly with his thumbs.

"My life became a series of unimaginable events Anna...my world, our life, was dramatically altered by an endless array of horrifying circumstance." He stepped so close to her that she almost collapsed against his chest. She wanted nothing more.

He reached up and lifted her chin, "the most important thing I need you to know Anna…I never stopped loving you. Not for one second. Not even now."

Anna, completely captivating by his confession closed her eyes. As he leaned down to kiss her, Anna's phone rang loudly in her purse, altering her mind and pulling her out of the moment completely. Realizing what was happening, she panicked.

"This was a mistake. I should leave," she was alarmed, confused and pushing her way past him in frenzy.

"Anna..." His voice was soft, pleading.

"Please. Excuse me I need to go. I shouldn't have come." She couldn't breath.

John lightly grabbed her arms as she tried to pass. "Please don't leave...there is so much that needs to be explained." His face exploding now with fear, with regret.

There was no mistaking his effect on her, and no imitating her ability to resist her need for him. Even a small touch, a handhold - took moments to recover from. Anna grew angry with this, and pushed her way past him. How dare he make her feel anything besides anger toward him.

He called out to her as she moved quickly to leave, "Anna, I'm sorry. Don't leave like this..."

She grabbed her purse but stopped abruptly; her unending love for him causing a lack of sensibility and control. She began rambling in a fury of emotion. "I'm getting married John. I'm going to be happy. I don't want answers or long stories or memories of you. I don't need a photographer or an assistant photographer or anything else from you!" She was crying now. "Why didn't you...why didn't you just...why was it so easy for you to leave me John?"

_How dare she let herself fall apart like this. This wasn't the plan._ Brushing away the pain from her cheeks, she gave him one last look then stormed out the door embarrassed and angry and headed straight for her car.

Once outside Anna barely noticed that it was raining heavily now. Her head pounding, she couldn't find her keys. Quickly she was rain soaked and cold.

John followed after her pleading in the rain. "Anna!"

"Leave me alone John!"

"No I won't...I can't. Not until you hear the truth."

"I can't find my car keys!"

"Its raining Anna. Please come back inside."

The rain had saturated their clothes and hair. Even though she was soaking wet, Anna continued standing there digging for keys. Frustrated, she threw her purse to the ground and pounded her hands against the car. She could hear herself yelling but couldn't stop, "Why didn't YOU come back? Three years John! Three! And not one word! How was that so easy for you?"

There was a crack of thunder above and the sky lit up with lightening. She saw pain behind unshed tears in his eyes as the sudden light reflected across his features.

"Come back with me inside Anna, please. You can't leave like this." He pleaded with her and holding out his hand, reached for her to take it.

Anna just stood there staring up at him, feeling stone cold and afraid of his truth, terrified by her feelings. She was overwhelmed to the point of surrender.

Another crack of thunder, then lightening hit close behind her. Startled, she screamed and ducked instinctively. John reached for her again but she started to run, escaping his grasp and heading for the porch.

He stood there, rain dripping off his hair and into his eyes; somewhat relieved she had been influenced to return to the cottage. But then in the next horrifying moment he watched Anna slipping on the wet stone stairs and fall.

Unable to reach for anything to stop her violent motion, Anna slammed her head hard against the wooden porch then landed her shoulder to the ground with such force it made it's own thundering sound.

"ANNA! No!" John made his way to her quickly, his heart nearly stopping.

She was unconscious lying in wet grass, buried in rain. He raised her limp body carefully from the ground and carried her into the warm dry cottage.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: thank you all for the encouraging response. I very much appreciate the follows and reviews as the story unfolds. **

* * *

Anna's eyes opened.

Prismatic colors from the room started to focus as she blinked slowly, trying to comprehend where she was. First hearing the soft crackling sounds of a fire, then feeling the heavy warmth of a fleece blanket around her, she finally remembered the evening when the pulsated pain cursed her awakening.

She tried to sit up. "You're not going anywhere love, just lay back," John gently scolded.

She didn't attempt to resist him; she began shivering, her body in shock as her vision clouded again.

John had been cradling her in his lap for the past twenty minutes, firmly pressing a towel with an icepack to her head. He relished the subtle warmth of Anna against him, and for a brief moment of guilt, it brought him a long forgotten sense of peace.

After she had been alarmingly quiet for so long, he was thankful she finally opened her eyes. "You have quite a knot on your head Anna, you're going to need stitches." He spoke softly, carefully, uncertain if she understood.

Anna wiggled beneath the blanket, "something's wrong with my shoulder."

John pulled the blanket back, "May I have a look?" After she nodded slightly he opened the top of her dress slowly. Sliding his warm hand beneath the cloth, he immediately recognized the problem. "Oh Anna...I think you've snapped your collar bone."

"How do they fix that... a body cast?" She didn't even sound upset; he suspected nothing was quite making sense to her yet.

His brow furrowed as John smiled sympathetically, "no, most likely you'll wear a sling and a brace for several weeks. Be very still, don't move Anna."

She lay as still as she possibly could - her eyes closed. Speaking barely above a whisper, John had to lean in to hear her. "I've never broken a bone before, did you know that?" His eyes traced the outline of her lips while she spoke.

"No, I _didn't_ know that. I'm so sorry"

"Its not your fault I fell John."

"Everything is my fault Anna. I know that." He continued mentally outlining the soft features of her face. A deep remorse overwhelming him as his eyes glistened with unshed tears.

She was beginning to remember their conversation from earlier, where it had been leading, how nothing had been revealed or resolved. How her heart felt consumed by grief, longing, and fear, "not everything John, just leaving..."

"I never wanted to leave you." His voice matched the softness and trembling whisper of hers. "There were reasons beyond my control Anna." He stopped himself from saying more, not wanting to upset her further.

John watched as tears streamed silently from the corners of Anna's eyes. He could barely stand to see the anguish he was responsible for. "I will explain everything to you, I promise. But first we need to get you well again and right now I need to focus on keeping pressure on the bleeding."

"It hurts John."

"I know love, but I have to keep strong pressure on it."

"You have to tell me now - why it was so easy for you to leave me and never return. I searched for you. I still look for you in crowds of people..." Her emotions raw, she was sobbing now and the lamenting sound of her voice stabbed heavily at John's heart.

"It _wasn't_ easy Anna, I promise you." He wiped tears gently from her face with the soft swipe of his thumb.

Anna quieted herself as John checked the bleeding and brushed her wet hair back carefully with his hand.

"John? Do you... believe in signs?"

"Signs of what sweetheart?" He wanted to kiss away her pain but knew he shouldn't. With her head in the crook of his left arm he pulled her closer to himself and hovered around her cheekbone. Breathing in the sweet smell of her skin he kissed her cheek tenderly.

There was loud pounding on the door, abruptly interrupting the tender moment. John, not wanting to move Anna yelled over his shoulder, "come in, the door's unlocked!"

An ambulance team stormed the room – ready for Anna.

"You called for help?" she asked weakly.

"Of course I did Anna, you need a hospital."

One of the medics pulled in a stretcher and together with John's help, the team carefully laid Anna on it. While they were securing her, John explained her injuries. Afterward he stole Anna's hand in his and spoke softly to her, "I'm so sorry this happened. I upset you, this is all my fault."

"John..."

"Anna listen to me," he interrupted, "I found your phone. I searched for Andrew's name and called him; he's on his way."

"You called Andrew?"

"I did."

She was looking at the ceiling; it hurt to blink. The medical team worked on securing her shoulder and inspecting her head wound while John remained gallantly by her side, comforting her with the subtle massage of her palm.

The front door had been left open; a car could be heard arriving, a door slamming, someone running across the porch. Andrew was now standing in dismay at the back of the room. He quickly looked around the cottage, he had no idea what to make of the situation, the room felt cozy, intimate even.

When his eyes found Anna he quickly ran to her. "Anna, what on earth?" John slid his hand from Anna's grasp out of respect. She didn't want to let him go. A single second past before Andrew held her same hand in his - still warm from John's soothing touch.

The medical team looked at them and instructed, "We need to go gentleman." They rushed Anna away. Andrew stood back for a moment calling out to her, "I'll be right behind you Anna; I'll see you there!"

John stood stoic and emotionally drained a few steps from Andrew, holding the blood soaked towel in his hand. There was a considerable height difference between the two men. Andrew - short and blonde, with a rugged element about him - completely unlike John Bates in every way possible. John had been studying him from the second he arrived, burning envious with his presence.

Andrew now more angry than confused, turned to look up into John's face, he squared his shoulders and pointed a finger at John, "I don't know what in god's name is going on here, but you'd better start telling me now."

"I think its best if Anna fills in the details." He looked at Andrew solemnly.

Andrew swallowed back his rage before asking sternly, "how did she get hurt?"

"She slipped on the stairs outside and fell off the porch."

"Are you sure you didn't hurt her?"

John gripped his fists tightly before warning Andrew, "I think you'd better go now... you're needed at the hospital."

"I suspect there is more to this, and I will find out. My patience is limitless, as are the penalties for hurting Anna. " And with that, Andrew backed away from John and left the cottage, slamming the door in anger.

John released a severity of emotions as soon as Andrew was gone. Grabbing the closest thing to him, he threw a vase against the wall shattering it. Collapsing down onto the couch where he had tenderly held Anna only moments ago, he pulled the blanket to his face to inhale her scent. John exhaled his rage and wept quietly into the fleece, knowing he had only accomplished hurting her again today - this seeming to be the only thing he was capable of doing.

* * *

Two days passed, and on Monday morning Gwen drove to Anna's house for nurse duty. Andrew had to return to work, and Anna having just been released from the hospital the night before, could not be left alone. She was sleeping propped up against the couch when Gwen walked in. She quietly met Andrew in the kitchen while he stood at the counter eating his breakfast.

"Good Morning." She spoke quietly.

"Thanks for coming over today Gwen, would you like some tea or coffee?

"Maybe later. How is she?"

"Well, she has a concussion, a black eye, eleven stitches and a broken collar bone - she's a mess."

"I heard from your mother that you've called off the wedding."

"Postponed Gwen. It has been postponed is all...I didn't think she'd want to walk down the aisle in a sling with a black eye. She looks like a footballer, not a bride."

Gwen smiled sympathetically.

Andrew placed his empty plate into the sink, "Gwen...did you know she went to see a man named John Bates that night?"

Even though she feared this question was coming, she wasn't quite ready for it. "I did. He was...supposed to be the new photographer." _Not quite a lie. "_What did he say happened?"

"Not much. He called to say Anna fell while visiting his place and needed to go to the hospital. When I arrived, he insisted I should ask Anna to fill me in on the details."

"And did she?"

"No. She's done nothing but sleep since the accident. I've sat up with her much of the time but she's never awake long enough to have a conversation. I've never heard of this man before Gwen, yet there seemed to be something more...intimate going on there."

Gwen shrugged her shoulders, "I couldn't say."

"Well, I'm late for work. Maybe she'll talk to you about it today."

Gwen was relieved to be off the hook so easily. She walked Andrew to the door wishing him well, "have a good day, no need to worry, I'll take good care of her."

After closing the door, Gwen stepped quietly into the room where Anna was resting, satisfied that she was asleep, she sat in a chair and started to read. Not more than two pages into the book there was a soft knock on the door. She quickly but quietly moved to answer it.

John Bates was standing there looking battered; she suspected he hadn't slept in days.

"John."

"Is he gone for the day?"

"Do you mean Andrew?"

"Yes. I've been waiting outside all morning, the hospital said Anna was home."

"Yes. He's gone off to work."

"May I see her?"

"She's sleeping John."

"Gwen, please...I need to see her," she could hear the desperation in his voice.

Biting her lip, Gwen reluctantly allowed John to enter the house. He moved quietly; then saw Anna sleeping in a nearby room. She analyzed his face as it quickly fell into a deep sadness; he had done nothing but worry since the night she fell. Gwen could see in that moment John Bates still loved Anna. With her brow furrowed she forcefully pushed him into the kitchen, "come with me."

Once she had backed him all the way into the other room she demanded, "tell me what you're doing here John."

"I blame myself, if she hadn't been so upset...she would have never run out into the rain. I keep...seeing her fall, helpless to stop it. This is all my fault."

"It is your fault. This. And so much more."

John stared back at Gwen. His eyes tormented, he simply nodded, affirming her allegation.

"Why was she so upset? Did you tell her why you abandoned her three years ago?"

John looked wounded, "I didn't abandon..." he paused, knowing he wasn't there to defend himself. "No. Our conversation never got that far." John held his forehead in the palm of one hand. "Is she going to be all right?"

"I don't know John. She's certainly not all right at the moment."

"Can I...sit with her? Just for a little while?"

"You shouldn't even be here."

"Just for a moment. Please."

Gwen could hear the desperation in his voice. Looking away, she nodded her permission quietly.

"Thank you." John walked quietly into the other room, sat down on an ottoman near Anna and watched her breathing. His eyes discovered her engagement ring, so much of him burned bitter with jealousy. He desperately wanted to tell her the truth the other night before it had gone so horribly awry. Wiping tears from his eyes with one hand and grasping Anna's right hand with his other, he gently raised it to his lips, giving her a firm lasting kiss against her fingers. He carefully lowered her hand to her lap then returned to the kitchen.

"Please keep me informed so I know how she's doing."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because she deserves to know the truth when she's up to it, and...I'm concerned about her Gwen."

"Why now? She is about to get married. She had finally moved on with her life John."

"Because she wants to know...and god help me, I need to tell her."

"You have no idea the suffering you've caused her all these years."

"You're assuming Gwen, don't think for one moment that I don't..." he paused before starting again, looking up to gather his resolve, "there's something I need to know, does this Andrew make her happy? I mean, is he good for her?"

Gwen blinked at him for a moment, attempting to discern how to best answer. "He is a good man. He tries to make her happy but...and I don't know if this is right for me to tell you this, but the truth is, Anna only looks for the silver lining, and quite frankly, Andrew was there when you weren't.

"Does she love him though? Can they have a happy life together?"

"John..." She paused thoughtfully, hesitating.

"I've no illusions of getting back together with Anna, not after all I've done to hurt her."

"Destroy her is more like it." Gwen regretted her words as soon as she said them, any hope that had been in John's eyes perished.

John grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen counter, wrote his phone number on it, held it out to Gwen before insisting, "please, I'm not leaving London. I will be staying at a cottage not far from here."

"You know John, I was left to care for Anna when you didn't return. We were all devastated, you owe me an explanation too."

"I do. But not before Anna hears it," he turned to walk away.

"John?"

He stopped and looked over his shoulder at Gwen.

"I'm the gate keeper here, I need at least an answer to one question...do you still love her?"

John's guarded manner softened slightly, he closed his eyes and leaned back against the doorframe. "That is the most singular and transparent reason I have for being here."

"Are you here to stay then?"

John considered her question before confessing, "I know now that I can't leave…"

After a thoughtful silence Gwen shared an important fact with John, "Anna's heart and mind still wait for you, and that's the truth."

John stared at Gwen for a moment. "Thank you. That's what I needed know. You're a good friend."

Gwen rolled her eyes slightly, "I certainly hope I'm doing the right thing for her John."

* * *

Hours passed before Anna awoke to find Gwen sitting in the chair beside her reading. "Gwen? What are you doing here?"

"Anna! Thank god. What do you need? How are you feeling? How can I help?"

"Start by slowing down..." Anna gave her a soft small smile.

"You look terrible. I mean...I'm just worried about you."

"I feel terrible, so at least I look the part...did I hear someone here earlier?"

"Andrew let me in."

"No. It wasn't Andrew."

"No one else was here."

"Oh...well I must have been dreaming then."

"I just lied to you. I can't lie to you. John was here."

Anna's eyes popped open. "John? He was here?"

"Yes. He looked terrible too. He's been a wreck since you got hurt."

"Oh Gwen...what am I going to do?"

"About what Anna?"

" Gwen, I have no more answers from John today than I did a week ago, but I know after seeing him that I'm still in love with him. That isn't going to change, no matter what his story is... I need to tell Andrew the truth."

"You need to know Andrew postponed the wedding Anna. He knew with your injuries that postponing was the only option."

"He's always doing what's best for me."

"Andrew was asking questions about John, I only told him that he was a photographer, but I could tell he's suspicious about who John really is."

"I can't keep Andrew in the dark any longer, I need to tell him the truth tonight."

"You don't even know the truth about John though. Are you willing to risk your future with Andrew? Shouldn't you wait until you know more?"

"I should have never agreed to marry Andrew in the first place. I've never stopped loving John, and I don't think I ever will."

"Perhaps not. But you couldn't stop living simply because you loved a memory of someone we all assumed was dead."

"But we know he's not dead now. And I can't go through with marrying someone else. I may never have John in my life again, but I'm not going to enter into a sacred union with anyone while my heart burns for another man. I couldn't do that to Andrew."

"I'm here for you, whatever you decide."

Before they finished talking, Andrew arrived at Anna's house after work looking exhausted and worried. He walked straight in to see Anna, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. Just tired mostly."

Gwen excused herself from the house, "Is it okay if I leave now? I have errands to run…"

"Yes, thank you Gwen, you're a wonderful friend." Anna smiled and waved at Gwen.

Gwen blew a kiss to Anna before leaving, "Call me if you need anything. I will see you in the morning."

Andrew removed his coat and tie while talking about his day with Anna. "I had so many phone calls and emails from family and friends sending their best."

"That's very thoughtful. I'm sure I've given everyone quite a scare."

"Anna, you should know that I've postponed the wedding."

"Gwen told me. I'm sorry Andrew. I'm sorry this happened...it's been quite an unusual week."

"Unusual is one word for it...Anna, there's something we need to talk about if you're up for it."

She swallowed hard, knowing Andrew would ask about John. "Yes, we should talk."

Andrew sat with his hands folded and his arms resting on his legs, he focused on his hands while speaking. "You see, I felt like I was missing something after the other night. I asked around...but no one seemed willing to share what they knew I was missing... so I did some research today." Pausing he looked up and met Anna's eyes so he could seek the truth. "Why didn't you ever tell me about John Bates? The story was all over the news three years ago."

Anna felt calmness sweep over her, a sudden relief that he finally knew. "I'm sorry you found out this way Andrew...I never told you because I wanted to move on with my life and I didn't know how...it was very difficult, so I chose not to talk about it.'

"But I could have helped you."

"You _did _help me Andrew. More than you know."

"The media said he was never found, that there was never any resolution. But clearly he's alive, what happened?"

"I don't know. I thought perhaps he was dead. All this time, I thought he was dead."

"But now that you know he's not dead...what do you think about all this?"

"Andrew...I don't have any answers right now. I don't...I don't even know what really happened to him, why he left or where's he's been all this time."

"But when you were with him the other night...what happened then? Did he hurt you?"

"No! Of course not." She surprised herself by how quickly and loudly she had defended John to Andrew.

He pulled back a little stunned by her defensiveness as well. "Just tell me the truth Anna...otherwise, I don't know what to think."

"Andrew, I went there that night to find out what happened from John, but I was angry, confused and...It was all very overwhelming. We literally ran into each other that morning by pure irony and I wasn't prepared for it. I'm sorry. I should have told you about this a long time ago."

"Go on..." Andrew encouraged.

"I decided that I wasn't ready to learn the truth so I left, but I couldn't find my car keys, it was raining, and as I returned to the cottage I slipped and fell on the wet porch. I don't remember much after that. It was an accident. A terrible accident Andrew, that is all."

Swallowing hard, Andrew responded, "I believe you... I have one more important question though."

"Yes?" There was hesitation in her voice.

"Do you still love him?"

"Andrew..."

"Because I think you do." He interrupted. "I also think he's the real reason you've never been able to tell me in words...that you love _me." _

Anna felt the tears hit her arm, folded in her lap, before realizing she was even crying. As she remained silent, Andrew discovered his answer.

"Its all right...you don't have to answer that." He reached for a box of tissues on the coffee table. Gwen had set up a makeshift nurses station complete with pain meds, bandage wrapping and tissues.

"Here," he said handing her a fresh tissue, "wipe your eyes, and rest. You must be exhausted."

"I am. I am very tired, I think I should sleep." Anna, overwhelmed by her emotions, closed her eyes.

Andrew stood up and slowly leaning in, gave Anna a soft gentle kiss on the top of her head. "Will you be okay if I take a walk? I'll have my cell phone with me in case you need anything, but I need some air. I won't go far."

"I'll be fine. Please, get some air if that's what you need." She was mumbling and asleep before he even left the room.

Andrew walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of beer. Before leaving out the back door he stuffed a bottle opener in his pocket. He walked out into the street toward the car that had been parked outside when he arrived home. He tapped on the window with one knuckle waking John Bates from his slumber in the passenger seat.

Andrew held a beer up to the window and motioned for John to come out and join him. Wiping his face with his hands, John opened the door and stepped out into the street. The night was quiet and warmer than usual. Andrew popped the lid off the bottle then casually handed the beer to John, "Here mate. I brought you a beer…it's time we talk."


	4. Chapter 4

John silently accepted the beer and while closing the door to his car he took a quick drink from the bottle.

After following Andrew skeptically toward the back of Anna's house, they entered through a swinging gate that opened to a bountiful tree-lined yard. Several chairs were displayed on a small patio where Anna had taken delight in stringing lights above on a wooden terrace. Andrew switched the lights on then sat crossing one leg over the other casually.

John looked toward the house, seeing that an interior light was shining brightly he asked, "where's Anna?"

"She's asleep. Grab a chair."

John chose a chair with no side arms and turned it around, straddling and facing the back of it as he rested his forearms over the top.

The two men, with only Anna in common, sat drinking beer together for a few moments in peace before John asked, "how did you know I was here?"

"You've been sitting out here in your car since Anna came home from the hospital."

"And how would you know that?"

Andrew hesitated before confessing, "I hired an investigator to look into your past and follow you after the night Anna got hurt."

John ran a hand down the length of his tired face, pausing at his stubble-covered chin. Pondering a moment, he finally asked, "Does Anna know?"

Andrew was casual as he responded. "Know what exactly? That you were completely off the grid for more than two years until any record of your ongoing existence surfaced six months ago? That you bought a small vineyard in Northern California before you disappeared and that Robert Crawley's daughters have managed it ever since? That not only are you a photographer but you're a multi-millionaire and own the magazine you pretend to work for? Do you mean to ask if Anna knows any of that? Or are you asking me if she knows you've been stalking her home for the past three days? Which is it Bates? Because I'm a little confused by the vagueness of your question."

John sat there rigidly analyzing him, then after another slow and pondering drink responded, "most of that information is confidential, it must have cost you quite a bit to obtain all those details."

Andrew locked eyes with John, "I may not have the kind of wealth you do, but money is no object when it comes to Anna's safety."

John felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, he didn't like being accused of endangering Anna. "What do you want?" John snapped the words at him.

"I just figured you were out here, so why not talk. I'm not one to ignore a problem when it presents itself."

"Clearly."

Andrew gave John a hard stare, "so we're in agreement that you're a problem?"

John was thoughtfully silent for a moment, "I can be, yes."

"From the outside, you appear to be a real thoroughbred Bates, but I'm not easily persuaded to believe that. In fact, I'm more interested to know why there is such a cloud of secrecy surrounding those two and a half years after you left Downton."

Andrew, although smaller than John in stature, was a powerful figure nonetheless. Very controlled, nearly, but not quite arrogant in his haughty self-confidence. The type of guy who scratched his way through life to achieve what little success he could claim, the kind of guy John couldn't help but respect. "I'm not here to redeem myself, running into Anna was purely coincidental - a marvelous twist of fate really. But now that I've seen her, and she knows I'm here, I'd like to tell her the truth. I owe her that much… and more."

"I think you should leave well enough alone Bates, go back to the life you've bought for yourself and leave Anna out of it."

John stared at Andrew, wanting to mercilessly pounce on him simply for saying Anna's name. "Of course that's what _you _want. But why not consider and appreciate what Anna wants. Doesn't she deserve to know what caused her to suffer all this time?"

Andrew stared back at him, eager to get to the main issue of his concern, "are you still in love with her Bates?"

Without hesitation John answered, "Yes. There is something eternal and indestructible about my love for Anna."

Andrew snickered with revolt. "Indestructible? Perhaps I could beat it out of you."

"Even then…that would be a futile attempt."

"I'd sure love the opportunity nonetheless." Andrew stood and turned for a moment, angrily staring at the house. "Can't you admit that all you do is cause Anna harm? Why not use your so-called love to protect her from yourself?" John was silent. "Ah, but I suspect you're more selfish than that; you're really here to collect her aren't you?"

"Are you hoping for a confession of guilt because you suspect I'm an idealistic fool? Do you really believe I'm clinging to the hope that Anna will suddenly leave you and return to me?" _God I want that, I am an idealistic fool._

"Are you stalling to admit the truth? Because I expected you to be more decisive with your answers."

"And I expected you to have more rationale theories." John wittily shot back without missing a beat.

They continued like this, advancing the rhythm of their pissing match. Exposing half-hidden truths and pushing just enough to see how sharp the other man's teeth were.

Eventually Andrew turned, focusing on the bottle of beer while he spoke. "You left Anna, now that you realize the error of your ways, do you want to completely destroy her opportunity for happiness with me?"

John considered the question before responding. "It would be easier if there existed a sharp dichotomy between right and wrong, if we could simply follow a path without the need to challenge one another. But ultimately, none of this is my decision or yours. Only Anna can decide what her best opportunity for happiness is."

Andrew met John's eyes again. "You say you're not here for Anna, but its clear to me you want her back."

"I want what I've always wanted - her happiness, her security..." _Her love. _John knew to keep that last part quietly to himself.

"Except, you've failed at both Bates."

John made a discouraged huff and took another drink from the bottle. The little bastard was right. He _had _failed - at everything when it came to Anna. John stood up from his chair and walked toward Andrew, stopping only a couple feet from him.

"Well, is that all then? Do you feel like you've extracted the essential drama of my return?" John thought it would be easier if Andrew lacked intellectual aptitude, but he was articulate, and eyed John with concealed hostility as he inched toward him.

"I have several cards to play here Bates. But to be honest, it should be easy to move past this. Anna harbors three years of anger toward you, with no reason to trust anything you say. The first card I'll put on the table is simple. Leave. She loves _me._ We're going to marry - with or without you in London. You'll not get in the way of that, I promise you."

"Perhaps you're right but you don't know the real Anna. You've only known a shell of her, she's more resilient and strong-willed than you realize. You'll see...she'll fight for what she really wants."

"But why think after all this time, you're what she wants?"

John wanted to pound the smug look from Andrew's face. "Because I saw it in her eyes. She may love you, but Anna is still in love with _me_, even though I don't deserve it.

"I've not seen it." Andrew's face suggested integrity and confidence but John surmised he was posturing to cover his own fear and insecurity.

"Don't be a fool...The eyes you see when you look at her are not the same eyes that look at me. And for the record, I take no vicious delight in that." John swallowed the final drink from his beer and pointed at Andrew with the bottle as he prepared to leave. "Thanks for the beer...mate."

John started walking away while shouting out, "Oh, and call off your hound dog."

"I'm not quite finished digging through your past Bates, I've not found everything I'm looking for."

"And you won't. You don't know where to look." John left the yard, and soon after he had driven away, Andrew threw his bottle of beer angrily into a nearby fire pit.

John had set the first mortar of defeat.

* * *

After his conversation with Andrew, John was feeling beat down and realized he hadn't had a good night's sleep in several days. He drove back to the cottage worn out and exhausted. As he made his way up the driveway, he spotted Charlie waiting for him on the porch. Once he had parked, he slowly pulled himself from the car and met her concerned eyes with his.

"I know that look. I'm in trouble with you aren't I?" John smiled at her, attempting to soften the reprimand he expected was coming.

"My god John, where have you been? Its nearly midnight, I was just about to leave for the third night in a row."

"I'm sorry. Something happened the other night and…I'm sorry."

"What happened? Are you having flashbacks again?"

"No. Nothing like that..." John hesitated a moment. "I saw Anna."

"Oh my god John. We talked about this."

"I know…it gets worse."

"Just tell me everything." She spoke with an authority blanketed by kindness.

"I lied to you on Saturday morning at the park. Do you remember the woman who acted strangely and how Gwen never showed up?"

"Yes. Of course."

"Charlie, the truth is, that woman at the park was Anna. I pretended not to know who she was for her own sake, but I couldn't stand lying to her – it tore me apart."

"THAT was your Anna? John...that's an incredible...obvious...John, that's fate."

"Yes." John was smiling with exuberance now. "We met here that night and, it was raining, she slipped and fell and got seriously hurt. I nearly lost my mind over it."

"John, you nearly _could_ lose your mind over it - you haven't had any treatments in 3 days."

"I know…" the joy left his face and was replaced with serious concern.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." He was short and brusque as he moved past her to enter the cottage. She followed behind him, unrelenting.

"John. Don't shut me out now. I'm more than just someone who works for you. If I wasn't your nurse I'd like to think we'd be good friends."

John dropped the keys to the house as he tried to open the door. His hands were shaking as he bent over to pick them up but Charlie was there quickly to help him. "John, stop. You can't keep going like this, you will wear yourself out beyond recovery and then what will you tell Anna?" She pulled the keys from John's hands and unlocked the door.

"You're right. I'm exhausted."

They entered the cottage and John quickly slumped down onto one of the leather sofas. He placed a hand over his tired eyes as Charlie went about helping him remove his shoes and made him comfortable adding a pillow under his head and one under his bad knee. John grabbed her arm pausing her for a moment. "Listen, I'm sorry. I know you were probably worried about me the past few days. Please forgive my shortsightedness. If not for your care and your friendship, I wouldn't even be here."

"There's nothing to forgive John, but I do appreciate you saying it. Now roll up your sleeve, you're going to need an IV treatment tonight."

* * *

The next morning Anna was feeling better. She was away from her usual sleeping spot on the couch and walking around when Andrew came downstairs for breakfast. He on the other hand felt horrendous. He hadn't slept. After his late night conversation, he was convinced that John had no intention of leaving Anna alone. He'd spent the night considering how to eliminate the threat and had an idea to present to Anna this morning.

"You're up early. Did you sleep?" Andrew leaned in to kiss Anna but she tilted her head smiling and allowed only a peck on her cheek.

"I feel somewhat better today. I'm just needing to move around a bit, else everything that's not bruised or broken will hurt more."

The mood wasn't playful and upbeat like it usually was between them – there was no formula for what they were living through. Trying to navigate the room, feeling the impending treacherous waters they were already floating in Andrew simply put his idea out there.

"Anna, since we both already have the time off for the wedding, what do you think about getting away for a bit? I thought we could go to the Greek islands for a month or so. You could still work at editing remotely, and I have some business I need to tend to there anyway."

Anna looked at Andrew stunned by his idea, trying not to act upset. "Um...wow. I don't know." Didn't he realize she was dealing with a mixed bag of emotions?

"I know it's sudden. I just think it would be a marvelous place for you to heal." Anna remained silent. "Don't make any decisions about it just yet. Promise me you'll consider it though." He was playing his second card and lobbying for an escape from London.

Anna managed a smile for Andrew. He was always good to her. She lied, feeling shameful, but lied nonetheless. "I will. I promise." She didn't want to leave London, not while John was still there.

Andrew looked at his watch, "I'm running a bit late this morning, and it would appear that Gwen is too."

"She hasn't called to say she'll be late, so I'm sure she's close. You don't want to be tardy to work, I'll be fine for a few minutes alone."

"Only if you're sure. I do need to be on time today for a meeting."

"I'm very sure."

"Anna...think about what I've offered. It would be wonderful to get away from everything." _Especially John Bates, _he thought to himself. Placing a pastry in his mouth and grabbing the computer bag near the door, Andrew hurried out winking at her as he left for the day.

John's car was nowhere in sight. Andrew felt relieved as he drove away. As Anna watched him traveling down the street her phone rang. It was Gwen.

"Hello Gwen, are you running late?"

"I'm running a fever."

"What?"

"Yes. I can't believe it. I thought I was coming down with something last night when I went to bed and then I slept through my alarm and when I realized I hadn't been run over by a train in the middle of the night, I decided to take my temperature and its 4 degrees above normal. I feel terrible."

"Oh you poor thing. I wish I was in better shape to take care of you for a change."

"I'm sorry I can't come over today Anna, I was hoping to catch Andrew before he left for work."

"You just missed him."

"Oh…what are we going to do?"

"Nothing. I'll be fine. Truly. All I do is sleep anyway."

"I'm so sorry Anna."

"Don't be. Really, I'm actually up and walking around today. I even made coffee and we have lots of food. I'll be fine."

"What if you need something though?"

"I'll call one of the neighbors, I can always find someone to happily nurse or coddle me."

"Alright then...you rest, and so will I, and that's about all the energy I have for one conversation today..."

"Go back to sleep Gwen."

"I'll call you later."

As they hung up the phone, Anna sat on the couch sipping the coffee she had made. It was the worst cup of coffee. A vague restless energy forced her to flip through channels on the television. She hadn't even noticed the volume was muted.

After a few long minutes passed, Anna grabbed her phone again. She wanted to call John. Scanning through her numbers, she found his in the call log and pressed it. Listening to the ring, the call eventually went to voicemail but she grew nervous and hung up not knowing what to say.

Anna was disappointed. A shadow of guilt hung over her as she thought about Andrew and his offer to take her away for a few weeks. She needed to hear John's voice. Anna sipped the horrible cup of coffee again. Her heart pounded with nervous anticipation. She needed to see John.

The phone rang mercifully. John was calling her back. She hesitated only a moment before answering. "Hello?"

"Anna, Is everything alright?"

"Yes."

"Why did you call only to hang up? Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm sorry. I got your voicemail and didn't know what to say."

"Anna...Tell me what you need." His soft voice made her feel weak.

"I think I want to see you," she closed her eyes tightly as if in pain.

"Is Gwen with you?"

"No. She's at home with a fever today. I'm alone."

"You shouldn't be alone. I'm coming over."

"Are you sure John? You don't have to."

"I want to…very much." His voice assured her.

Anna smiled slightly at his words, "Okay, but John?"

"Yes love?" Not even a hesitation to remind Anna who she was to him.

"Can I ask a really important favor of you?"

"Anything. Name it."

"Can you bring coffee?"

He smiled quietly to himself, humored by her simple request. "Of course Anna. Do you still like cream no sugar?"

John wore his love for Anna like a badge of honor. He knew she could do so much better than him, but he also knew that she loved him despite this.

* * *

Anna had just enough time to brush her hair as best she could and pull it back away from her face with one arm. She managed some light make up, a quick brushing of the teeth and changed into a slightly less embarrassing robe. It was exhausting just doing those simple self-care routines. She returned downstairs just in time to meet John at the door.

He had arrived with two large coffees and a box of pastries and stood smiling shyly in her doorway. He was so relieved to see her standing there. Neither of them looked rested or well, but both were eager to see the other today. "Hello John," Anna managed a small smile and welcomed him in.

"It's good to see you up and about. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm rather tired already and its only 9 am."

"Healing takes a lot of energy. Lets sit in the other room where it's comfortable." John guided Anna gently into the sitting room, one hand holding the coffee and pastries, the other low and gentle on the small of her back.

Anna sat carefully in the middle of a large couch and John cozied up to her by sitting on the edge of the ottoman in front of her legs. After she was settled, he placed a welcomed cup of gourmet coffee in her good hand, grazing her fingers softly as he let go. She met his kind eyes with the glimmer of love from her own. _There it is, _John thought to himself smiling, _her eyes say it all._

Opening the box of pastries to share, they sat together quietly eating for a few moments as John inspected her black eye and stitches. She caught him staring. "I know. I look horrible," she interrupted his stare feeling embarrassed.

"That's not possible Anna, but that does look quite painful. Did you take your pain meds this morning? You don't want to find yourself lapsing from that schedule, you'll regret it - trust me."

"No. Not yet, I have another hour before I should take more. I want to be lucid while you're here."

"Only if you're sure. I would hate for your medication to wear off completely. Its quite a battle to get the body to calm down after you've missed a dose and start feeling it."

"Why do you seem to know so much about pain management?"

"Remember you asked me about my limp?" Anna nodded with anticipation on her face. "Well…I shattered my knee in a motorcycle accident, only I didn't have the best pain medication to deal with the recovery."

"When did that happened John?" There was sadness mingled in her eyes now.

John looked at Anna, his eyes cautious. "During the tour I went on with Robert three years ago."

She pulled her head up and bit her bottom lip. His was actually going to tell her the truth – she could see it in his face. He was ready to unleash it on her finally.

"John, if you're right about my pain medication then we'd best keep talking and not waste any more of our time together."

John finished his last bite of food, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and stared at her quietly for a moment. His face revealing a slight hesitation.

"You know what I want to talk about John."

"I do...I'd like to say first that I'm very sorry you got hurt the other night, and I would do anything to take that night back."

"Just _that _night John?"

"No. There are many take backs I would like to have...starting with the night I left Downton."

"Please tell me where you've been all this time."

"Anna...this isn't going to be an easy conversation."

"I don't expect it to be. But I'm prepared to hear the truth...whatever it is."

"I know you are. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to tell you." Lifting his hand to her face, he gently cupped her cheek in his palm. Then tilting his head to look at her, his eyes filled with emotion.

Anna leaned her head into his hand then covered it with one of her own. "John just come out with it. Whatever it is you're keeping secret."


	5. Chapter 5

**My apologies for the long pause between posts. Reality has a habit of getting in the way of writing sometimes. Thank you for your encouraging messages - it helped motivate me through some difficult times. **

John stood from the ottoman and wandered over to the window. He stared outside for a long moment in silence. Where had all the time gone? Three years. Three years away from Anna. The sky appeared thick as grey clouds rolled in, he suddenly felt cold. It was time.

Still peering out into the darkening sky, the long laborious account of what tore him from her three years ago began to spout from his lips. Finally surging forth like a dam of absolution begging for release, John began.

"Robert had an elaborate plan to move Cora and the girls to the U.S. to be nearer her family. Although he was less visionary and more analytical, after Robert had his mind set on something, he could almost always catch fire to an idea…I always admired him for that."

John seemed careful with the words he chose, turning to face Anna, he spoke slowly, rhythmically, as if he had rehearsed this story a hundred times. "Robert came to Tuscany to ask if I'd partner on the purchase of a vineyard. I was very interested of course. If you recall, mother had died that same year leaving me quite a bit of money. " Anna nodded to him as she pictured John's lovely mother in her memory, and bore a quiet smile.

"After touring a rundown vineyard in Northern California, we began negotiating the purchase. Robert knew the hard work, the sacrifice this new business would require, so he convinced me to finally go with him on the motorcycle tour we had often talked about." John paused to reflect upon Anna's face for a moment. She stared intensely at him, waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.

"I remember how eager you were about the trip with Robert, but why didn't you tell me about the vineyard John?" Anna's eyes grew small, inquisitive. She sighed loudly and quickly. Trying not to interrupt him proved pointless, she couldn't help herself.

"It was meant to be a surprise," he spoke softly, his voice grainy with regret.

John returned to the ottoman and sat again in front of Anna. He required the feel of her near him, drawing strength from her presence he pushed on. "We made our way down the coast of California, through Mexico and into Central America - our final destination Peru - where I wanted to hike Machu Pichu before returning to London. When we reached Panama, it started raining, rain like I've never seen. Heavy and constant…"

**3 Years Previous - Panama, Central America**

_Robert Crawly sat sipping an espresso macchiato on the back terrace of a mountainside cabana. For the fifth straight morning, he paused vigilantly to ponder the continuing rain. On their first day in Panama, he and John found themselves marooned in the village of Boquete at a coffee plantation. They were fortunate enough to befriend a bean farmer named Juan who insisted they stay with his family when the heavy unrelenting rains halted their travels. _

_During their delay, Robert discovered an alternative to his tea preference. He had quite suddenly acquired a fondness for, and as John liked to muse – he was in essence, having an affair with Juan's espresso harvest –quite unable to drink enough._

_Today was particularly wet as rain poured from the awning like a blanket of clear liquid. Robert was leaning back, feet propped against the railing, bouncing his knees with an over abundance of caffeinated energy. As John joined him that morning, brooding over the weather and missing Anna particularly more than usual, he rested against a pillar and sought comfort within the sips of his own warm latte. _

"_We may have to buy a boat to get to Peru if this keeps up," Robert spoke with only slight sarcasm, "Do you still think we'll have time left over at the end of our trip to hike Machu Picchu Bates?" _

"_We'll make time. Ever since reading about the lost city as a child, I have longed for a real-life trek though the jungle just to experience it." Having acquainted himself with the enjoyment of espresso during his stay in Italy that summer,_ _John was pleased to be grounded for a few days above Juan's café. _

"_Well, we're nearly there, if only this rain would hold long enough to get through Panama… I forgot to ask, did you ever send a package out to Anna when we stopped in Costa Rica?"_

"_I didn't, but I managed another post card. Perhaps I should send her coffee from here, I know she would love it. That girl prefers coffee to tea most mornings anyway."_

_Robert saw John's face transform into a daze of melancholy, "Do you think she has any idea you're planning to propose marriage upon your return to London?"_

_John quickly swallowed his drink finding it difficult to stifle a large grin, "No, I don't think she has any idea at all." _

"_And what about her answer? Do you anticipate it will go your way?"_

"_God I hope so. Leaving her behind in London while I managed the vineyard in Italy was much more difficult than either of us anticipated. I do know for certain that she loves me, although, for the life of me…I don't know why."_

"_Nor do I Bates…nor do I." _

_John looked back at his friend smiling in amusement before Robert reverted the conversation to what they had spent most of their trip talking about – their newly purchased vineyard. _

"_I had a chance to review your business model this morning and made some notes. I think we should tie up loose ends about it before heading out on the road again."_

_John turned to fully face Robert, his back to the cool air of rain. "Good. I agree. I would feel more relaxed if we could solidify everything." John looked anything but relaxed as he asked, "have you been able to reach Cora at all? I'd like to know her thoughts about our partnership with the vineyard."_

"_Not yet, the phones are still down. What are you nervous about Bates? All of my girls adore you, especially Cora – they will be delighted to know you're my silent partner."_

_John smiled slightly, feeling assured and grateful for their friendship. "You know, I don't believe I ever properly thanked you Robert."_

"_What on earth for Bates?"_

_John was sincere as he spoke. "When you showed up on my doorstep in Italy talking about moving your family to the U.S., my mind was bemused with thoughts of Anna, missing her and such. Yet, you managed to direct me with choosing her engagement ring, investing in a vineyard, and finally progressing on this trip. Had it not been for your level mindedness… quite frankly I would have stumbled my way back to Anna empty handedly begging her to marry me. I would have looked like quite the fool." _

_Robert laughed loudly, "You're welcome old friend, these are the amusements you learn about when your household is brimming with women – if you master the art of giving extravagantly, they will love you for it." _

_Juan, the slightly balding owner of the coffee plantation, joined them on the veranda dressed in dirty jeans and a long-sleeved plaid shirt. "Could you gentleman enjoy another espresso?" He translated very well and thoroughly relished his time speaking with two Englishmen. _

_John spoke up first, "Juan, we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions about your business. You see, Robert and I just invested in a vineyard that had been mismanaged for years. We've created a new business model and would greatly appreciate your professional opinion on the matter." _

_Juan smiled widely and accentuated his enthusiasm for John's invitation by stabbing the air with his pointed finger. "Ahhh, I would very much enjoy this conversation. Whether it's the care of beans or grapes - both are a delicate craft. Let's discuss over a latte." He yelled down to his grandson working as the barista that day, "tres cafés con leche."_

_John noticed Robert bouncing his knee and flicking the cap on and off a pen in quite an annoying and hyperactive manner. "You might want to make Robert's a decaf…Give me the pen," John rolled his eyes playfully snatching the pen from Robert's hand as Juan laughed deeply from his rotund belly. _

_The next morning the rains finally stopped. A welcomed brightness filled their room as the voice of an espresso machine frothed milk loudly from beneath their bedroom window. As usual, John was up and shaving before Robert was even out of bed. The phone rang and Robert eventually answered it. "Hello?" _

"_Hola Senor Crawley, you asked to wake you if the rain stopped overnight, shall I have your motorcycles prepared for a day of travel?"_

"_Yes. Thank you, we'll leave just after breakfast." His gruff sleep filled voice echoed throughout the small room._

_John walked out of the bath patting his face dry with a towel as Robert hung up the phone. "Who's calling so early?" he asked throwing the towel over his bare shoulder._

"_That was Juan…"_

"_Was he calling to take your espresso order?" John interrupted in jest. _

"_You're quite funny Bates, just not this early in the morning." Robert slumped back into the bed yawning loudly._

_John smiled amused with himself, "although I've rather enjoyed our respite here, I'm looking forward to feeling the road again." He walked near the window and filled his lungs with the heavy fresh morning air._

"_So am I Bates…by the way, I wanted to commend you on the impressive business model you designed for the vineyard. I hardly slept, I couldn't seem to stop the revolving ideas in my head…You really cultivated the opportunity working at the winery at Downton didn't you?"_

"_I did. It was the best thing for me after the army. And of course, my path crossing with Anna - that's worth more than the world to me." John's mind shifted quickly to thoughts of London._

"_Indeed. We both have much to be grateful for, don't we old friend?"_

_After enjoying a breakfast of scrambled eggs and tortillas, completed by their final handcrafted espresso at the plantation, John and Robert thanked Juan enthusiastically for his generous accommodations. Both eager to continue their journey, they headed out after Juan and his family walked them to the gate of their property and provided a proper good-bye with strong handshakes and tearful hugs from Juan's wife._

_It wasn't long before the air grew heavy with a veil of humidity, and John smiled with relief as coolness covered him through the elevation gain into the mountains. He decided to put his helmet on when they pulled over to add a few layers of clothing for warmth. _

_The two friends rode side- by- side most of the trip, savoring a swift pace, gliding through lush rainforest and tightly winding roads. John enjoyed a lazily cut path through the thick mountain pass. Robert had decided not to wear his helmet that morning and before advancing ahead on a pinched curve, he turned his face to John, smiling care free, his expression beaming with mischief– it was a moment John would often reflect upon ever since. _

_Neither man considered the dangers of traveling that day. While descending through a narrow corner, a mudslide abruptly came upon them. Without warning the road was covered in heavy debris by a rapid surge of flowing mud and water. _

_In a powerful current, John swept down the side of the mountain through thick tropical woods: the momentum of the mudslide hauling his body rapidly away from the road, away from Robert. Flipping wildly down the ridge and landing painfully over and over again - John finally stopped when his head slammed violently into a tree - his life somehow spared._

_As the current of mud continued on without him, he lost everything - his bike, his travel bag, passport, anything that identified him. All was gone as he was buried up to his waist against the tree._

_Barely coherent, John laid in the jungle for several days - the thirst unbearable, the pain indescribable. Eventually he could hear voices around him but could not see through the mud-covered faceplate on his helmet._

* * *

_On a hard board in a darkened room, John finally regained some mental ability. He could consciously hear the sounds of birds and the soft lull of ocean waves splashing from somewhere outside. Slivers of light penetrated through cracks of wood within the four walls surrounding him. _

_John didn't know where he was, had no memory of the accident, or Robert. He didn't even know his own name. He realized that he was injured as searing pain penetrated his growing awareness. He cried out. _

_His sudden movements alerted a small woman sitting in the doorway. As she understood John was awake, she ran to alert her father. _

_Within moments a man wearing tattered pants and a short sleeve white shirt stood beside John. His face draped with black hair. Neither the girl - dressed in a torn blue dress - nor her father wore any shoes and John noticed how flat and muddy their feet appeared planted upon the wooden floor. _

_Pulling back a dark sheet covering the doorway, the man allowed natural light to fill the small room. John realized quickly his leg was badly injured when he struggled to sit up. Both his head and right knee were bandaged. He asked softly, his voice barely there, "Where am I?"_

_The man smiled awkwardly as he motioned to his daughter. She reached for a bowl of water from a small table and handed it to her father who helped John drink it. It was warm but nearly satisfied his deep thirst. His lips were parched and his head throbbing. He tried speaking with them again, "what happened?" His caretakers only smiled sympathetically at him and spoke words John did not understand to one another. _

_John couldn't remember anything. He had no idea where he was, why he was there, or how he had gotten hurt. To make matters worse, he couldn't communicate with the people helping him. They encouraged him to lie back again on the board. John closed his eyes as a deafened fear washed over his body. _

_His first few days revealed very little about the people living around him. They seemed somewhat afraid of him and being unable to communicate didn't help either feel any more at ease. Yet, he sensed their goodness. They kept him alive after all, fed him, brought fresh water, cleaned his wounds, and cared for him. John finally realized as he listened intently to his surroundings that the villagers spoke a dialect of Spanish. Together they began to manage a few words of understanding. He pieced together that they had found him in the jungle, then they showed him his cracked helmet and he assumed he had been on a motorcycle and hit his head. They talked about the mudslide, but John could remember nothing before the moment he awoke in their village._

_Worst of all, he didn't even remember Anna. To John, she never existed._

_Several of the villagers carved John a crutch from the base of an old tree. He was very grateful for their kindness and when strong enough, managed to hobble from the hut and sit outside on the stairs. It was then he saw for the first time where he was and couldn't believe the beauty of it. _

_His hut occupied several feet off the ground next to a large inlet of ocean water. The village flourished on a tropical island, with a short beach and never ending rows of palm trees. He looked out into the water as a slight breeze of salt blew upon his face,_ _refreshing him slightly._ _Wild chickens squawked and frail looking dogs ran about. There were obvious paths worn throughout heavy wild grass. And John could see a long progression of palm huts planted strategically throughout. To him, it felt as though he had been dropped onto the headlines of a 'National Geographic', barely believing this island, and its lifestyle were possibly real. _

_Although grappling with the reality he found himself in, John felt rather intrigued by his surroundings. He noticed a schoolhouse in the middle of the village when a group of children ran from the building. The boys, dressed in white shirts and navy pants and the girls adorned in delicate plaid dresses. He realized, although they wore uniforms, none of the students had shoes. John wondered how they managed to keep their clothes as clean as they appeared to be despite this mud filled habitat._

_The children seemed easily amused by John. As they ran over to stare up at him perched high on the stairs to his hut, he smiled slightly out of the corner of his mouth. One of the children pointed at him and shouted "gringo grande" meaning "large white man". John laughed with the children but quickly grew tired in the heat of the afternoon and returned to the shade of the hut to sleep again. Hoping against hope, John prayed that his memory would soon return._

_The next day brought a bit of grace. Sitting again on the stairs of his hut, John saw a small engine powered boat approaching the shore. As soon as the boat arrived, a team of non-natives jumped out and onto the beach carrying large red duffel bags. Soon after their arrival, the man who had been taking care of John escorted two of the boat travelers to his hut. John's body flooded with relief as soon as he heard them speaking English. _

_A small petite woman wearing light khaki shorts and a blue long sleeved blouse walked up the steps toward John. He was both surprised but very relieved when he noticed she carried a medical bag with her. _

"_Hello, my name is Charlie. I'm a missionary from the island across the way, and I'm also a nurse. I understand you've been hurt… Can you tell me your name?"_

_John's emotions quickly overwhelmed him. He felt foolish and raised a fisted hand to his mouth pretending to cough. He was elated hearing words he finally understood. "No… I mean I can't. I don't… remember my name. I don't even know how I got hurt or why I'm here." He choked back days of pent up emotions and physical pain as he looked away from her face. Charlie quickly reached for his hand to offer comfort. "It's okay, we're going to help you."_

_Her confident manner caused him to relax slightly and he exhaled with a sense of reprieve from his current, unrelenting circumstance. _

"_You'll just be our John Doe for now." John met Charlie's eyes as she spoke and smiled at her in a thoughtful manner._

"_What is it?" She asked him._

"_Nothing… 'John' seems to suit me is all."_

_An hour later inside his hut, Charlie was examining John with the help of a volunteer doctor visiting the islands that week. The doctor began asking a series of questions. "Do you have headaches?"_

"_Yes. Most of the time."_

"_Is your vision blurred?"_

"_At first, but its improved."_

"_I'm concerned about your knee, you're going to need surgery in order to walk normally again."_

"_Doctor, how can I manage that? I have no money, no identification."_

"_We can arrange for a medical grant to cover the expense, but try not to worry about that right now." He stepped aside to search in his bag._

_Charlie was looking into John's eyes with a light as she began to ask questions as well, "Are you married?" She looked at John's hand for signs of a ring. No ring. _

_John felt annoyed by her question. "How could I not remember if I have a wife? Surely something so important would be remembered or the emotion of it felt." John could not comprehend this. _

_Charlie paused the exam for a moment and looked at John with sympathy, "You would have a mother, can you remember her?" John's face was sullen and he shook his head to indicate that he could not remember her either. _

"_That's how. The brain and heart are somewhat disconnected at the moment. I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how you must feel, but be patient with yourself." _

_He understood her analogy but it failed to bring him any comfort. He wanted to remember. He needed to remember. "Will I ever regain my memory?" _

_With a confident smile, the doctor interrupted to assure him, "I'm quite sure you will, permanent memory loss is rare. I just can't predict when and what you'll begin to remember." _

_John wasn't sure if the pain in his head was from the injury or trying so hard to remember something. Anything. _

_As weeks past, Charlie visited the island to check in on John's recovery every day. Her associates in the U.S. were working diligently to arrange for John's surgery to repair his knee. The only thing hindering the process was their inability to fly John into the country without proper identification. They were working with the Panamanian and U.S. governments to obtain documents that would allow him to travel for the surgery. _

_Life in the jungle operated on a completely different timetable than a world with technology. They rose just before sunrise and slept soon after it set. They ate only when hungry and relaxed during the hottest times of day. When it rained, they found work to do inside, or not – at times, it was easier to work in the cool of the rain. John learned to live among the villagers. They welcomed what knowledge he could bring them about building and repair projects. He relished the slow pace of life. He began to have memories of his time in the army, a fast paced life, but still he could not remember faces or names. This life was not about being immaculately tailored or stylish or connected by the technology he could see in his memories. Instead, it meant stiff upper lips, refined human strength, survival and grit. John began to embrace it. _

_His time there elevated and expanded the way he saw the people of the villages. He no longer considered them unfortunate; instead he began to realize they survived by the delicate and dying art of community. Protecting, caring for their neighbors, peacefully working in harmony for the good of the whole and not focused only on themselves. John wondered daily why he was there. He could have been killed, but his life was spared for a reason. He longed to know what that reason was. _

_Eventually Charlie brought the news John longed to hear. Finally, he could travel to the U.S. for knee surgery. She would accompany him to San Francisco, where she worked as a nurse. Her time as a missionary had come to an end and it was matching up perfectly with John's scheduled departure. They would leave together, as Charlie was his designated sponsor for the trip. _

_John found his departure from the islands and the villagers bittersweet. He would always be grateful for their kindness and care. They had saved his life, and he would do whatever he could to make certain it mattered that he lived._

* * *

**Anna's home: That morning.**

The room grew silent as John stopped talking. Anna's face contorted in an overwhelmed twist of distress and horror. In that moment she felt nothing but regret and confusion. "And have you John? Have you lived your life so that it matters?"

"In many ways, yes. But in many ways I've done nothing but long for you."

"And Robert? What happened to Robert? "

John's body went stiff. "Robert was never found."

"What about his family? Do they know? Did you tell_ them_?" She was agitated and confused and nearly crying.

"I did... Cora's family persuaded her to declare Robert deceased so she could manage financially. She and the girls inherited the vineyard and have done very well with it all this time. My half of ownership was in Trust and never dissolved in the hope we would both return alive someday. And when I did return… I half expected to find Robert there alive."

John quickly wiped a tear that had escaped his eye. He pulled himself closer to Anna. There was trauma sinking her features, he reached for her hand and held it tightly in his. "Tell me Anna...tell me anything."

"I have so many questions John. My head is spinning." Anna looked at their hands joined together, trying to comprehend the drama he had just revealed. She began to speak quickly, "I never gave up hope. I just couldn't imagine what happened, no matter how hard I tried. We never searched in Panama John. The last post card I received from you in Costa Rica was where the trail went cold. I didn't want to stop looking but..."

"I don't doubt you Anna," he interrupted, " If it had been you, I wouldn't have wanted to stop looking either…but eventually you have to. Life demands it, people demand it of you." He tried to comfort her. He wanted her to know he understood.

"All this time John? Were you in Panama?"

"Much of it, yes. I didn't know where else to go. I had no money or identification, I didn't know if anyone was even looking for me." He regretted saying that as soon as he spoke it. Of course Anna had looked for him.

"I still look for you John, in crowded streets, in other cars as they drive past me, in my dreams." Anna shook her head, trying to imagine his experience. "Will you…can you tell more about living there? I always tried to consider where you might be, but I can't comprehend this, it sounds primitive and awful."

"It wasn't," John smiled lightly, "Anna, because I couldn't remember, it did not disturb me to stay there for as long as I did. I knew I didn't belong there, but I had no idea where else to go. Somehow, we learned to respect and trust one another. We lived together as though I belonged to them."

Anna paused to consider his words, "You sound as though you miss it."

"Sometimes I do. I went back to visit recently. To thank them again, to let them know…I remembered."

Anna's face slightly lightened at this, her eyes filling with a sudden expressive delight. All this time she had suffered not knowing if he were alive and all while his life was transforming through a gritty but artful, unblemished world.

" When I couldn't sleep, I agonized the night away thinking I would never see you again. What were the nights like for you John?" She wanted to see parallels to their suffering.

"I'm sorry my love, I'm sorry for your agony. I'm sorry to tell you my nights actually became my favorite part of each day Anna. I slept beside the ocean, the soft waves lulling me to sleep each night, or violent storms erupting overhead with bright flashes of lightning that bore down brightly through the thatch roof. The nights were cool next to the ocean; a sweet relief to the perpetual heat of day- it made sleeping in a hammock ideal, rocking me into a calmed state while wondering where I came from, who I was. In the darkness of night, I grew fearful at times, knowing in my heart that I missed someone – you, but not knowing your name…I started to dream of you Anna. You became my solace. I longed to know who you were. This lovely woman in my dreams."

He met Anna's gaze intently fixed on him, her blue eyes nearly liquid and aching with an innocence that preserved her youthful radiance. She tried to speak but choked back tears.

"I had intended to surprise you when I returned to London Anna. My plan included begging shamelessly for your hand, and giving my share of the vineyard as a wedding gift to you."

Anna swallowed the growing lump of emotion in her throat and tilted her head with furrowed eyebrows. She was deeply touched by his confession and with thoughts of what could have been. John turned and looked away from her soft smile, his heart breaking all over again - remembering at once she had already promised herself to another man.

"John... there are still some things missing from the story... " She hesitated.

"You can ask me anything Anna."

"When did you finally remember?"

John turned his eyes away before answering her. "Once I traveled to San Francisco for knee surgery, I remained there to start life over. I began studying photography and by then Charlie had returned to working full-time at the hospital and we stayed in touch. One evening she brought an Italian wine to me on one of her visits - It was from the villa where I worked that summer after we left Downton. I drew in a deep smell of the wine, took one sip of it and it started flooding, like a pool filling with water, the memories came back so easily. I remembered the vineyard there, and it felt so natural to think of you, and I spoke your name like I was reciting a prayer. And then, I remembered Robert and the mudslide…and just like that, it all overwhelmed me at once."

"But when John? When did you remember?" She pushed to know the timeline.

He met her eyes again reluctantly, "Two months ago."

She pulled back from him, "Two months? I don't understand. Why didn't you come to me? Or at least call me?"

John hesitated answering for a moment, " I did call you Anna."

"I don't…when did you call me?"

"I called you that very day I remembered you. It was an early Saturday morning in London and Andrew answered your phone."

"Andrew?"

"Yes. And I asked for you. I heard you laughing playfully in the background, then in one whimsical moment, I heard him teasing you to get out of bed and he kissed you good morning and said he loved you…and you took the phone from him and sleepily said hello to me."

Dividing her mind between now and then Anna's face flashed with horror, "And you hung up...after a few moments, you hung up. I remember that morning, there was something that bothered me about that phone call for weeks afterward. I couldn't shake it."

John paused for a long moment before responding, "I realized after all this time you would have moved on with your life. I just didn't expect to find out like that. I wanted your happiness more than anything Anna…so I decided then and there, never to reveal myself to you. I could hear it in your voice...you were happy with Andrew that morning."

The wind had grown heavy outside and agitated the trees near the window, it gave the sense that life outside was unfurling as life in the parlor gave way to grief and pause. Anna suddenly seemed impossibly distant as John reached for her hand and she instantly pulled away.

John asked reluctantly, "Are you angry?"

"Angry? My emotions are still evolving John. I'm…I'm not quite certain what I'm feeling at this moment, I'm sorry." She looked exhausted.

"No. It's for me to be sorry."

There was a long stage of silence between them as Anna grappled with this new knowledge and John couldn't take his eyes from her. "I've overwhelmed you. You must need your pain meds by now."

"Yes. Yes, I think I do." Anna slumped back into the couch. She was feeling overwhelmed, defeated even.

John reached toward the end table grabbing a prescription bottle and handing it over to Anna. She quickly took two pills with water then closing her eyes said, "I think I need to rest now."

"Would you like me to leave?" he deployed his hand toward hers but pulled it back with weakened restraint. Simply leaving the comfort of Anna's presence would require an act of will.

Her mood had suddenly evolved. As Anna answered she met John's chest with her pounding fist and fitful eyes, "No…I don't…I don't want you to leave. Not now… Not ever again John Bates! Do you understand me?" She was trembling and crying tears of anger now. She _was_ angry.

He grabbed her hands quickly this time and moved to sit next to her on the couch. "Anna…"

Burying her tearful face into his shoulder she cried, "I missed you John, everyday, of every moment, for the past thee years. I prayed for so long that you were still alive…and then one day I stopped praying. "

He carefully stroked her back and comforted her with soft whispers, "I'm sorry. I should have never gone with Robert, he would still be alive…we might be married..."

Anna pulled back from John and met his eyes with a slight smile, "might be married?"

John searched her eyes, questioning her response, "you would have said yes?"

She gave him a devilish grin, but then looked at the ring perched on her left hand and shook her head. "It isn't right to talk about this now though, is it John?"

"You're thinking of Andrew…"

She looked up at him tearfully, "how can I not?"

John's heart sank. "Of course. Of course you are. You love him. I was right to stay away, I'm sorry we ran into one another at the park…it was an odd twist of fait though, wasn't it?" John attempted to compose his affections, he felt he needed to be strong and show resolve for what he suspected was best for Anna.

Her eyes were heavy, the pain medication quickly taking over the moment. "I need to sleep John…just for a little while…please don't leave."

John swallowed his untamed emotions and wrapped Anna in a blanket carefully against him, "I won't leave. Not until you tell me to."

For the rest of the morning, in the near splendid isolation, John held Anna as she quickly fell asleep.

* * *

Hours passed. Neither had had a decent nights' sleep since her accident. Together they found peace in the other's arms. Anna had fallen against John's chest and he held her softly against him with his face leaning down into her hair as they slept together.

Andrew – who had always been on the cusp of jealousy and resentment since John returned to London – stopped by to check in on Anna. He had tried calling both her and Gwen's cell phones, but neither had answered, creating the just –right blend of edgy worry he could no longer ignore. But when he entered her house to discover Anna in the arms of John Bates, something inside him shattered.

His life slowed as though someone had hit a pause button. Knowing when to hold on and when to let go is what complicates all matters of life. Should he wake John in the fitful rage that was now burning inside him? Or should he be respectful of Anna's beloved past with John and her need for answers?

He just stood there, silent and emotionally drifting away. He was losing her, or maybe, he finally resolved, he had never really had Anna, at least not all of her. With a tilt of his head, Andrew peered into Anna's face, soft and magnificent with a gleam of something he had never before seen– joy - she was smiling in her sleep. This moment he had intruded upon was not simply a nostalgic attempt to sooth away some time famine; rather, it was a glorious celebration of love, long-lost, an unspoken endearment of secrets whirling from their past into the tranquility of their present.

He wanted to influence the moment with power or agony. He wanted them to acknowledge his hurt, the betrayal; the obvious truth that none of this was fair. But he knew now - he could not build a life around the concept of editing Anna's world into his own. His life was clearly about to change. And if it didn't pain him to see it happening, he would have to admit - there was something truly romantic about this moment, their story. And he was not a welcomed part of it.

* * *

John woke first and stretched slowly to ease the kink in his awkwardly bent neck. Something about the house seemed amiss but he ignored it initially. He felt Anna stir and then watched as she opened her eyes, heavy and drug laden. He hated seeing the pain in her eyes and knowing it was his fault owned the moment until she spoke smiling. "What time is it?"

Not wanting to move her warmth away from him to look at his wristwatch, John searched the room for a clock. Then reaching for his phone realized it was half past two in the afternoon. "We've slept most of the day away, how are you feeling?"

"I'm hungry."

John smiled at this. "I bet you are. What would you like to eat? I can make you lunch."

"There are actually quite a few dishes in the fridge that only need warmed. My neighbors have done nothing but bring food over this week."

He gently positioned Anna so he could release his arm around her, "I will find us something; do you mind?"

"No I don't mind. I would very much appreciate it actually."

John leaned forward and smiling back at her whispered, "Don't go anywhere love."

Anna returned his smile, "hurry back."

Anna's eyes followed John as he walked away from her and into the kitchen. When he turned the corner and pushed open the swinging door he met with a disappointment. Andrew sat waiting at the kitchen table.

With a bottle of beer in hand, his laptop open in front of him, and without looking away from the screen Andrew spoke with a sneer, "finally awake from your nap Bates?"

John faltered for a moment but entered the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water and drank before responding. "How long have you been here?"

"I stopped by this morning to check in on my fiancé. Considering I couldn't get her or Gwen to answer their cell phones, I thought I should rush over to make sure neither of them had succumbed to any form of peril."

John turned around to face Andrew and leaned against the kitchen counter as Andrew looked up to meet John's glare. "Clearly however…Anna seems perfectly fine, she seemed quite content in your arms."

Just then Anna pushed through the kitchen door looking concerned, "I thought I heard voices." She met John's calm expression with relief and looked back at Andrew before asking. "So you two have met then?"

"No need for polite introductions love, we've met." He gave Anna a fake and clearly irritated smile. "Where's our friend Gwen?"

"She had a fever today so I told her to stay home, I can manage."

"Clearly." The sarcasm was thick and the building anger in Andrew's voice obvious.

Anna noticed the bottle of beer on the table and three empty bottles in the sink that weren't there this morning. "It's rather early for beer isn't it?"

"It is. But I thought we could all raise a bottle to John's return from the dead."

"Andrew…" Anna softly scolded.

"You're right Anna. I'm being rude to our guest. John, would you like to hear about our plans to travel to Greece? Just this morning Anna and I made plans to spin the globe and take a trip of a lifetime. In fact, I just booked our flights – we leave in the morning."

John was growing impatient, "you're drunk."

Andrew laughed heartily at John while leaning back in his chair, "I am mate…I am indeed."

With worry engulfing her face, Anna looked to John for help, "perhaps we should have a bite to eat Andrew, John was just leaving."

Her words stung, but John knew she was right; it would be best if he left now.

"I'll walk you out." Anna turned and followed John out of the kitchen.

"Don't leave on my account Bates! Things were just getting interesting!" Andrew was now yelling from the kitchen as Anna and John made their way to the front door.

John turned quickly to face Anna, "Will you be all right alone with him like this?"

"Yes. I promise…" Their words were quick and careful and the moment filled with angst and an energy that unnerved them both. John turned toward the door to leave but stopped abruptly and retreated back to face Anna, "I don't want to leave you like this." Clanging pots and pans could be heard from the kitchen.

The truth was Anna didn't want John to leave either but she knew Andrew had a fire in his eyes that could only lead to trouble. "I will call you later, I promise."

John firmed his jaw and resisted the urge to stay as he whispered; "I will be right outside in my car if you need me. I'm not leaving."

Anna simply nodded her head as she gently pushed him out the door.

Returning to the kitchen she found Andrew cooking two grilled cheese sandwiches on the stove top. She quietly moved to the table and sat, exhausted. He finished quickly and served the food on a single plate between them. "I'm sorry Anna. I came over worried when I couldn't reach you or Gwen on the phone…and then I saw you in his arms…"

Anna followed Andrew's face as he sat down opposite her at the table. "John finally told me this morning all that happened, why he never returned …it's quite a story."

"And you believe him?"

She looked at him confused, "Why wouldn't I?"

"…There has to be more to it. And I don't believe he was in London simply to do a photo shoot at Downton. He was here to see you – more like hunter-gatherer if you ask me."

"Well either way…it happened. I've seen him and at least I know some of the truth, even if there is more to the story…but how do you know? How long were you here?"

"You were both asleep when I arrived. I however learned the truth because I had him investigated."

"What? When?"

"After your accident. I wanted to know exactly what we were dealing with."

"Why didn't you tell me what you knew?"

"I didn't think it was my place to fascinate you with his résumé of highly impressive accomplishments. Mostly I was afraid I would push you into his arms...but that happened anyway."

Anna looked away ashamed, "I'm sorry. Truly… I am so confused."

"Anna, come away with me to Greece."

"Andrew, I can't…it won't solve anything to run away from John now."

"Ah yes…your crowning touch of loyalty."

"You don't know what you're saying, you are drunk." Anna could not be influenced by anything he said in his condition.

"Listen…I might be drunk right now, but I know very well what I'm saying. I love you and I want to marry you - if that is what you still want. But it's clear to me now that you need some time to figure this out." His voice and sarcasm softened, "I realize you're in the midst of a delicate balance between old and new, and you need to come to grips with what truly makes you come alive."

"You're right Andrew… I need time."

"I know…" His face softened, he seemed calmer now.

"I lied earlier Anna…I only booked a flight for myself."

Before she could say anything else they were interrupted by Andrew's cell phone ringing. He looked at it and stood instantly. "I called myself a cab. I need to get home and pack if I'm to leave on the first flight out in the morning."

"I'm sorry I'm not going Andrew."

"There's no sorry between us love…I'll be gone for several weeks. You can call me if you'd like, but I'm going to give you space. I certainly don't want you to stay with me out of guilt or some form of obligation."

"You deserve better than that Andrew."

"Yes... I do. So when I return I would like a resolution to all this. Is that fair to ask?"

"It is more than fair..." tears were now flowing freely down her face.

He offered a sincere smile, leaned down to kiss Anna on the cheek, and with that, Andrew turned and walked out the back door.


End file.
